Chapter Three-When I Feel Like I Don't Measure Up

Rewarding. That is what I thought motherhood, ministry, life in general was going to be. I would have it all and be all to all. That is where I get myself into trouble and find things less than rewarding often.
Like Lysa, I way too often do not get the Really Good Mommy Award or any other award other than the Biggest Joke of a (fill in the blank) award.
Like Lysa, though, I have these grand visions of how I am going to mother, keep house, manage things, scrapbook,and lead ministries.Because I, just like other moms, have a lot to juggle, I don't get everything done. But what frustrates me, is that I am an education major and all of these wonderful activities and experiences I wanted to do with me kids, all of the cute object lessons to teach them God's Word, all of the games we were going play just don't get done. Why? Did I mention that I lead two ministries that require my time and attention? A house, a husband, and every once in a while, I would love to take a bubble bath alone. After a while, I resent those ministries because they take me away from my kids, leave me grumpy and tired- no drained. I then resent or get frustrated more with the kids because their childishness interrupts my cleaning, my getting things done for ministries, my few stolen moments to chill. Yep, No Good Mommy Award, No Good Children's Ministry Leader Award,No Good Wife Award (I don't even want to start with that part of my life.) And in the end, the unmet expectations have piled on more and more guilt. These piles of quilt weigh me down and render me going through the motions or slugging half-heartedly through activities that are less than what I expected or wanted.
I love what Lysa says,"If Satan can use our everyday experiences, both big and small, to cripple our true identitiy, then he renders God's people totally ineffective for the kingdom of Christ."

That is me! I am totally feeling ineffective all the way around. I am just going through the motions of life. Living it day by day, week by week.On Sundays, I finish a day of children's worship and Bible study and managing the children's department that has take me virtually all week of thinking and preparing for, along with my children needing mommy with tears and whines and go home to be with family and face the unfinished laundry, meals that are needed, husband wanting my time and attention. Then on Monday morning, I realize I get to do it all over again. No wonder I hate Mondays! I have lost the joy of it all- mothering, children's ministry, my women's ministry, housekeeping, even scrapbooking. It all has become a chore, a source of guilt. I am ineffective for Christ in all things. Satan is totally loving me and my feelings of inadequacy! My question hasn't been,"Why doesn't Jesus work for me?" but "Where is Jesus in all of this mess?" Well, I know He is right there beside me. He has been present and working in spite of myself. I just need to trust that He can work through any of the situations. My circumstances and my identity seem so tightly wrapped up in each other. I have 2 kids/I am a mommy. I have a husband/I am a wife. I am a SAHM/I am home manager. I am ministry leader/I have or had a passion for the ministry. I am trying to figure out where my priorities are and how to best live this life. Jesus is my only ture measure of my worth. My shortcomings do not mean I have failed, it just means I need to step back and realign my priorities and allow Jesus and God to fill in the gaps where I don't measure up.
I mess up so many times in so many ways. I keep thinking that I should know better by now. I can do so much better, but yet again, I fall short. Lysa is right when she says,"The reason failure hurts is because we are trying so stinkin' hard to measure up." For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity. Proverbs 24:16 So I guess the lesson here is what my parents used to tell, "When you don't first succeed, try, try again." I am still mom, wife, ministry leader, scrapbooker, Christian, girly girl, but I am going to not measure up when I use my own measuring stick or the measuring stick of another mom, wife, ministry leader, etc. I need to use Christ as my measuring stick. "God never intended for us to rely on others for our sense of well-being. Only He is equipped to provide that." As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in My love. If you obey My commands, you will remain im My love, just as I have obeyed My Father's commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. John 15:9-11
So now I am reminded to abide in Christ- to remain in Him- Stay close to Him-Trust Him-Obey Him-Stay faithful to His commands. It is when I keep close to Him that I find joy- that I find myself measuring up in life. I will still never be enough for everyone else just as they will never be enough for me. But with Christ's help, I can find more opportunities to recognize the rewards of my many roles in life.