My Wilderness Confession

4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:4-9 The Messsage

The Lord has been dealing with me concerning my obedience and lack of dependence on Him in all things for a long time. Unfortunately, I am much like the Israelites, hard-headed, blind, too self-focused which lead to more rebellion and self-delusion that I am alright. Like the Israelites, God has taken me from my Egypt where I was quite comfortable although a slave to the activities and expectations (put there by me mostly) that kept me from enjoying being God's precious treasure. (Exodus 19:5) Now that I am in the wilderness, away from the things that gave me seemingly purpose and value, away from the comfortable climate, attitudes, values, accent, food... everything Southern! I am not comfortable. It is just stinkin' hard at times. The wilderness is hard and uncomfortable because it is exposing all those weaknesses, self-sufficiency, lack of trust, etc. that I always pushed aside to deal with later. God started me on this wilderness journey while I was back in the South, so this is not a totally Northern journey. He has just moved my physical location and I believe, has moved me away from some of the activities I was so passionate about so I could refocus on Him, His will for me and His provision alone. Like the Israelites, I can do really well for a while, reading, praying, memorizing, keeping my mind parked on things that are right, true, praiseworthy, etc. I feel at bit more at peace. But then something is said or done that brings back worry, anxiety, whispers of failure, loneliness, inadequacy, and it spirals back to my grumbling and whining to myself. Just like the Israelites in Exodus 14 among other places, I rebel. I purposefully avoid going to scripture, trying to memorize, my prayers or thoughts are more on the order of "Poor pitiful me! I don't have any value or purpose other than to clean toliets, make food, wash and iron, referee squabbles, etc. I have no friends. No one calls me to check on me- People here are so different- How will I ever find friends?! I have failed and lost out as a mommy - Why can't I find motivation to follow thru with anything- I am so lazy!". On and on the laments go, whining and complaining. I know it is wrong, but I get stuck in the tirade against myself and my situation. I might as well say that God has brought me to the North, away from children's ministry and all that I hold dear and comfortable to just waste away in boredom and self-pity. Maybe I should pray for Dana to get another job back South? That is when I fall down like Aaron and Moses and speak some sense. Stop being so self-focused and become all God-focused, Girl!!! Focusing on me and my weaknesses, my abilities, my feelings, being self-focused, I begin to rebel. I am not focusing on Truth, on God, but on the lies and me.Here is the Truth: My family and I have been led through a land that is full of milk and honey- God has provided a good job for Dana- He answered prayers fervantly prayed. How can I throw that back at God? He is good and our Provider! He knows the very path we will travel and for travel for good reason. (Proverbs 3:5-9, Jeremiah 29:11-13) I realize that I am merely afraid. Again afraid indicates I am focusing on me and my abilties or rather inabilities. 29 Then I said to you, “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the wilderness. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” Deuteronomy 1:29-31 NIV Being afraid is relying on myself, not on God to lead me and provide for me. Unlike the Israelites, I want to trust God in this journey. I want to be thankful for the manna that He provides daily. God is good! God is going to fight for me and with Me. He will fill in all my gaps as a mom and wife. He will give me strength to face each day anew and fresh. God is all I need for today, tomorrow, for all of my needs.

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
Habukkuk 3:17-19 NIV

So my wilderness lesson right now is to be thankful in all things- Jesus is Near!! When worry comes into my mind, replace it with prayer and finding Eucharisteo! Record the manna moments. God is near. He is providing for me and my family. He will deliver us to a place that is best for us! Don't park my mind on me- so much of that is going to be used by Satan to discourage me- it is not true or praiseworthy to just name a few of the issues with those thought processes. Focusing on that God has it all in control and is working behind the scenes for the good of me and my family. It just may not be the easiest of journeys.
Satan will use the feelings loneliness, discouragement, disappointment and doubt to derail me. If I don't dwell on these feelings(the lies) but on the truth that God has something bigger and better in store for me and my family if I simply wait, trust and am obedient to Him then He will reveal a far greater mission for my life and for my famliy's. Our promiseland is at the end of this journey.
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 NIV

Soul Tired

Soul tired- how that term resonated with me this week! That word is the perfect word to describe how I have felt for so long- tired from the inside out. This condition did not occur overnight. No, ma'am! This condition has been coming on for a few years now. I remember sitting in Pastor Mike's office about 2 years ago and him expressing some concern about potential burn-out. I assured him that I had been there and done that and well knew the symptoms, yet I did nothing significant to prevent burn out from overtaking me. I kept right on going and doing all that I could for Kidsville and its little ones and the mommies in MOPS. I was good, I told myself and everyone, I get to worship with the little ones, I have my study prep I did for the Bible studies I was leading along with the ministries' preps. I even led a study about rest as a spiritual discipline. Oh, yes, I was not going to burn out! No, siree!! But when the trials and stresses of Dana's job came - almost like a wreck you saw coming but denied it was going to happen- until.... Well, it became more difficult to stay focused and to keep going. I knew God was going to use this season in life to work on me because I was out of whack- no balance and most of all soul tired. No worship, no significant and intentional time with God, no prayer except the 911 issues that come as a mom, wife and minister. But there is another cause of soul tired. That would be Satan. I am confident that he is so pleased when I or anyone else for that matter focuses on themselves and their circumstances instead of focusing and relying on God. He is going to make sure that I am soul tired and continue to keep my attention on the negatives and other difficult issues. It becomes a cycle- negative thoughts lead to more negative thoughts and feelings which zaps one of joy, peace, thanksgiving, looking upward, hope, kindness and then the guilt and wondering "what is wrong with me?!" sets in and more negative feelings ensue! So I end up soul tired!
I know the cure, the treatment, the remedy for this and that is simply choosing to surrender it all to God and make a choice of staying as close to Him as possible.
Psalms 63:1 O, God, you are my God. Earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for You in a dry and weary land where there is no water. If I would intentionally spend time with God in the Word and in prayer much of my soul tired condition would be healed. By getting closer to Him, I also know that my focus would change. My thoughts would be dwelling on the positives in life and not the negatives. I would be more positive in my thoughts, words, more energy and enthusiasm. I know full well that God is with me and in control. He is directing my paths, His plans for me are already laid out. I simply must trust- must surrender my fears, my control, my insecurities, my will for Him and His will for myself and for my family. This is not a terminal illness unless I allow this soul tired condition to be the only thing I live for. This is just a viral type condition. With the proper rest (abiding and resting in God alone), and with a prescription of prayer, reading, memorization and obedience I can make a full recovery quickly. I alreay am feeling a bit better.

Focus

Moving to Ohio has been a challenge for our family. For me personally, I have left the comfortable and known life of the South and of life in Milledgeville behind. While it was not a perfect place and I would have and still would love to be closer to my family, it was a known entity and comfortable. I am far from being comfortable and at home here but it has only been about a month and it has been so cold of late that I could almost be a hermit in order to stay warm.
While we have said all along that God has plans for us here, it is hard to be patient for them to be revealed. Yet, I look back and am reminded that even in the transition time I have felt I know a bit of God's plan, at least for me. For some time, I have felt the need to delegate or relinquish some of my responsiblities of the ministries I led to better focus on my own family. I did do some of this but not near what I probably needed to do. Also, I need to trust God in all things. Easy to say but so hard to do. God has His own plans for Dana and the children, but for me my valley has been letting go of a lot of independence, self-sufficiency and identity and control issues. God has been with me all the way and provided for my every need. The time that we were separated as a family and I was coming to terms with my own sin issues was actually bittersweet. The time I spent in prayer, journaling and reading was wonderful. I felt God beside me yet I was grieving and still struggling. These issues are still present. It is kind of like an addiction. The tendency is there, but I am more conscious of the triggers and the symptoms or characteristics so I am just more are and sensitive to it all.
I love that my family is together and I really believe Ohio will be okay to live in, once I get used to the cold and snow. Snow is not all that it is made out to be.....
Of late I have felt pretty down about things for me personally. I miss my home and so want it to sell. Please Lord, provide a buyer quickly. I am nervous about eventually buying here after we sell in Georgia because I am nervous about Dana's job security and the sale of a home in Ohio. Not at a peace or maybe it is that lack of trust. I am lost most days. I know of house work that needs or should be done, yet I have no desire or motivation to do it. Forrest needs someone to play with him and to teach him a bit. So sadly, I lack the energy or desire to even do this. Finally, I have time to scrapbook! But the desire and energy are not there. I am involved in a Bible Study. This is the one highlight of my week. I haven't really made any friends or connected yet. However, I do feel some peace and serenity here. The other activities including the church we are attending, I don't feel peace about at all. I still feel lost and homeless. One of the things I know is that my personal time with God needs and should be renewed quickly. I need uninterrupted time with God to keep my eyes and heart on Him. I will never hear His call for my life here in Ohio unless I get close enough and tuned in well enough to hear. I need to be in a praise and gratitude mind set. Instead of naming my disappointments and focusing on the things I don't have, I need to be counting my blessings. Remembering that one of the reasons I believe I am here in Ohio is to focus on my two kids and my husband. I need to reconnect with them. For so many years, I have talked a good game about being a good wife and mommy, yet my family probably wouldn't agree that I was one. I have become grumpy, impatient, unhappy and business like with my little ones. Seeing me smile is a rarity that they notice and comment on. Why is that? I don't enjoy being mommy and haven't in a long while. They are loved deeply but I have viewed them as interruuptions and bothersome details in my life of ministry. I need to focus on being there physically, emotionally and mentally for my family. I need to take care of getting healthy spiritually before all the other parts fall into place properly. Mary Louise in particular needs a good mommy role model. She also needs a safe haven to come home to after a long and challenging school day. Snippy and distracted, grumpy and impatient mommy in cluttered house is not it!
While I know for certain that God has called me to Children's Ministry and I love it! I don't miss the details and the volunteer shortage issues that happen each week. I miss the kids and I really miss the team members I got to serve with. I miss so much of CM, but I don't miss it at all. That doesn't make a lot of sense, I know. I have long needed a break even if it was in delegating some of the many tasks. So much of the weekly prep work happened solely because of me. I don't say that to praise me, just the opposite. That was one of my sin struggles. First,God was left out of the ministry. I totally relied on my physical and mental abilities to handle it all. Secondly,I wouldn't train up the team members and bless them with the opportunities to do a lot of things they could have done to help. I did a lot of physical work, but God did all of the spiritual stuff for the kids, families and staff totally without me. I was selfish in the service and it came at a great cost to me spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. My family also paid a great cost. Lesson learned is balance is critical. Balance in family and ministry and balance in public and private time with God. What does God want of me in Children's Ministry now? I don't know. I do know He has something prepared for me. He has not given me the experiences and opportunities at NCC to not go on somehow in CM at some point. I am watching, waiting and praying for the right time and right work for Him.
In the past weeks, I have felt lost and alone. While God did provide some contacts here for me, I don't have and honestly, didn't have in Milledgeville, the girlfriends factor. I had some ladies that I could call and chat with while the kids played at Chic-Fil-A. There were some ladies that would call me for advice or some sort of help. I had lots of people that I saw and talked with weekly at church. But someone to bear my soul to? Nope, there wasn't anyone I could talk with about Dana's job and stresses with it, the struggles I faced in CM and home and child-rearing or even the lack of shopping options or a good recipe. I was in a crowd but often very lonely. So why is it so hard now to feel lonely? Maybe because no one is calling me anymore about anything and I don't have those familiar faces to check in on each week. I find that my bloggy friends are the largest comfort yet again to me. I just wish for one good friend to do life with here.
Again, I need to focus on God and His call for my life right now... That is to focus on making my home a safe haven for my stressed husband and for my daughter; to focus on giving my son some fun and intentional learning experiences; to focus on managing home and household in a godly and right way; to wait patiently on God and the revealing of any other purpose for my life, particularly in regard to Children's Ministry; to simply trust God in ALL things; to get myself back in shape physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually which means time intentionally spent with Him in reading, journaling, memorization and prayer. It can not depend on how well connected I feel to a certain church, girlfriend or dwelling place. It must depend totally on my focus on God as the provider of all things and healer, comforter and sufficiency in my life. God is great - God is good- I need to live like I really believe it. Focus! Focus!

Tough Week

This has been a tough week for me personally. I have felt so lost and out of place and out of sorts. In the past month, I have given up my house that I love and the nice appliances that make life more convenient. The things I did like Children's Ministry I have given up and but more importantly, I have been stripped of anything that resembles a purpose. I have had a really hard time getting into a routine and finding joy in housekeeping and just being home all day. Groceries are expensive. I am concerned about the cost of living here - the gas heat is on a lot and gasoline and food is expensive. We no longer buy OJ because it is about $4/gallon. Ouch! I feel a bit cut off from people. Like I have been dropped here and am all alone I am cold and the snow has finally started getting old to me. I don't find the snow fun. It is pretty but after a while all of the white and the gray gets old. Maybe it is seasonal emotional disorder or depression or cabin fever. Plus I have had a sore throat and not felt super. Simply put, I haven't been very happy this week. A pity party of sorts perhaps. But honestly, I have really struggled. I am trying so hard to be positive and patient. But at the same time, my feelings are just the opposite.
Then I am confronted in my Crazy Love Bible study about the greatness - a word that is not sufficient- of my God. I am reminded that this life is not about me. My life is not about me. It is all about God. God is using the present circumstances for His glory. He is going to use this sad and frustrating time to show me and others how He continues to provide and will use me for His glory.
I am also reminded that the mundane things like laundry, dusting, scooping litter and playing Legos is important and God is using me for His purposes in those things. I need to remember to praise Him and honor Him in all of those things.
There is so much more I want to describe, but for now I will leave it with the video from Chris Tomlin.

Gratituesday

It has been a good day but a hard day. I know that I don't really have to pack boxes, but doing so gives me a little control over things right now. It is something tangible and real. It also gives me a chance to realize that we are really leaving our little house on the pond, our church and the safety of things known and comfortable. But God is not calling us to be comfortable right now. A verse that I was given not to long ago is:


 ²⁰ You will be like the person who tried to sleep
       on a bed that was too short
    and with a blanket that was too narrow
       to wrap around himself. (Isaiah 28:20, New Century Version)

This is what I feel like right now. Someone trying to sleep on a bed that is just too short for them. I sometimes have to lie down with little man on his small youth bed. If I do fall asleep, I usually wake up with a crick in my neck or stiff in the legs from being scrunched on the too small bed. It is just not comfortable and a good rest is hard to get in that bed situation.
Now the covers are a big deal to me. If I am cold, I need to be covered with lots of warm blankets, but if it is too much I get overheated and wake up sweating. Not enough covers, even in the summer, is not a good thing either. I need just the right amount of covers. I used to travel with a blanket so if I got cold I could cover up. The problem was that the blanket was really too small to do much good. A sweater would have been just as good. When I am tired and cold, I want comfort for sweet, restful, peaceful time of being.
Right now, my life feels like a too short bed. As much as I try to rest and turn this way and that, I find that I am scrunched for time, patience, peace, good feelings - generally a peace and happiness. My days are sometimes filled with my pains in the neck and sick feelings in my stomach than anything else. As much as I would like to curl up under the shelter of a nice and cuddly blanket that fully covers me and my family, I seem to feel lots of drafts - emptiness, gaps. Primarily caused by worry, anxiety, stress, - realization of sin and lack of dependance on God.
Yep, I am in a time right now where my bed is too short and the blanket just doesn't seem to be enough. I do know this though, God is near. He has never left me. I may have - did - move away from Him, but He has always been near me. God has us on this short bed for a reason. I don't fully understand why, but He has us there for now and with a small blanket. He has the blanket that fully covers us though. He has grace, mercy and salvation. For now, I need to continue to find things to praise Him for, to thank Him for. It is with the perspective that things could be worse, at least we don't..... that help me through the days. Naming my manna - my blessings and surrounding myself and filling my thoughts with things that pure, lovely, true, praiseworthy and excellent help.
This has been a hard day but a good day. Boxes packed- I have way too many clothes! We have way too much stuff in general. I am overwhelmed by it all - focus on true, lovely, praiseworthy.... I have lots to do - lots I really don't want to face but glad that at the same time.

1. A job that provides income
2. A little rental house
3. A realtor- I count as a new friend
4. New friends to meet
5. New opportunities
6. The little house on the pond
7. Heat
8. Boxes to pack in
9. Nice clothes to pack
10. Memories
11. New adventures
12. Snow
13 Mid- 40s
14. Hubby that misses us
15. Kitties 3
16. Tears
17. Old friends
18. Opportunities past
19. Comfortable life situations
20. Repentance
21. Dependance on God
22. God's faithfulness
23. God's grace
24. Mercy
25. Salvation paid at a great price
26. Holiday lights
27. Holiday music
28. Kids' anticipation of Christmas
29. God is my portion
30. A new day- a do over
31. Comfortable bed
32. Warm blankets
33. A few hours of sleep
34. Hope
35. Peace
36. Joy
37. A Christmas Elf
38. Warm coffee
39. Cold Dr. Pepper
40. Children 2

God Is In Control

I am reminded that while my storms of life seem huge and scary, there are so many others that would trade places with me. I am thankful for good health for all of us, for a job, for family and friends that are concerned, for opportunities past and present and to come- for a God who is in control the whole time and never leaves my side- I just need to stay aware that He is there. My storms are still my storms and scary to me I just need to trust God and allow Him to sustain me through it all. There are many that sing this song, but I like Matt Redman so turn down the playlist at the bottom of this page and remember that God will carry me and you through our individual scary storms of life. We don't need to be afraid.



Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I’m caught
In the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me

God Has It All Planned Out

Is there a reason I don't fully understand for why my house has not sold? Yes, the economy in general and in particular this area of Georgia have been very hard hit by the economy. Yes, God may be teaching me to let go and trust Him. I don't know. I do know this... God answered prayers about providing a job for Dana when things at the Georgia company looked pretty bleak and no future for him there. God provided people for me to connect with in the Ohio community we are moving to. God provides. Maybe we misread God's intention for us to go to Ohio. We, especially Dana, prayed about it and felt like it was the right thing. I did have some uneasy feelings but who looks forward to selling a house in a bad economy- My simple brain and outlook on world events even recognized the reality of bad timing for house sales. I didn't and don't look forward to moving a long distance with two kids and three cats at Christmas time. So I had a less than peaceful feel for the whole thing. Maybe that was God poking me...I don't know. What I do know is that over the last couple of months, I have had to stand on my own as a mom and not so great at a single parent thing--- appreciate Dana even more. I know that I have spent a lot of time coming to grips with my major weaknesses and failures and trying to reconnect to God and what He wants for me. I do know that I have given up or will completely give up a ton of responsibility at church and the kids' schools and will have the time I need to really refocus on my relationship with God. It has so suffered over the years- Looking good and sounding good to the casual observer but to my God and I know the truth. I will have time to refocus on my hubby and give him the time and attention he deserves and my children. Well, they are my first priority in children's ministry. They need a mom who is not stressed out, busy, distracted and otherwise consumed with ministry and other duties. They need mom - who cooks, keeps a much tidier house, scrapbooks their memories, reads to them again and just laughs again. This move has provided these opportunities. To bring me back to where I should have been all along- closer to my God, my hubby and my kids- following God's calling and will for me as a daughter of His.
What I don't know is how my learning to trust God fully is going to play out. Since Dana has been working in Ohio, he has been so overwhelmed and frustrated. A lot of that comes from just starting a new job with a new company and it didn't help he was up there alone. Now he has started to get a handle on some things but he has repeatedly said he felt frustrated and a bit paranoid. He hasn't felt like he has been pleasing or living up to what his boss wants. He gets little feedback even on the accomplishments- Some of it is this guy's management style and personality but still Dana has felt less than successful and that he may not "make it". During a business trip with this fellow, Dana is even more certain - less paranoid - more sure that he is not making his boss happy. It is actually mutual- a bit of a disappointment for Dana. While he doesn't think he is fired in the immediate future, there may not be a long term future for us in Ohio. So the question comes back to is this the reason our house is not selling? So we have place to return when things end? Is this one more test to see how much I will trust God with all of this? I will admit, I have thought if he is fired - do it now before we all go- but then I think about the rent we have committed to and I know how much we have in savings. -- We need to keep this job for at least 6 months. I really do not have an issue with moving up there. I am actually looking forward to it- just not the drive and moving out/in part. I think I need this time of no committments except to God and family. Perhaps even Dana needs to focus on God, family and of course, work. I don't know what the future holds for us. I do know that God wants me to trust Him totally - completely- fully and to do so with joy- peace. I am not there yet, but I will say that I surprised myself that when Dana told me this today that for a brief and very brief second, I did feel that sinking feeling. However, I really feel okay- a bit reenergized about moving- I will not let Satan use this to defeat me or to defeat my family. Dana needs some encouragement- He needs to feel some accomplishment or hope that this job is going to be okay for longer than a few months. Satan will not use this to sideswipe us and leave us doubting or in despair. My God is bigger than all of this - God is our God forever and ever to the end. He wants to be our Guide, to lead us each step of the way into His perfect Will for us. I will not be defeated and will stand in the Light- trusting God all the way.
I love Jeremeiah 29:10-14. I will use the Message version here. It starts with God's words, "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and NOT A DAY BEFORE, I'll show up and take care of you as I PROMISED and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to TAKE CARE OF YOU, NOT ABANDON YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU THE FUTURE YOU HOPE FOR. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen, When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, WHEN YOU GET SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING ME AND WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you, I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you - bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it."
Now don't get the idea that I feel like we have been sent into exile or that God is going to bring us back to this one spot. But God has a plan - it is His perfect plan for us- He will carry it out in HIS timing- not my timing- not my plan. His plan will not hurt us - it may not be comfortable or pleasant or easy in the process but His plan is not going to lead us to destruction or danger- He is with us all the way-My plans or desires need to be aligned with God's for me and my family. The only way that will happen is when I am sitting at His feet, talking to Him and leaning on Him no matter what. He will lead us to where we need to be and to do what He wants for us. Right now we are in a place of unreast, unsure of what tomorrow holds- but we can count on God to not leave us there but to bring us back to a place where we are confident that God is in control and that we are doing what He wants-

Home Is Where the Heart Is

As the time comes to a rapid end of our life here in Milledgeville, my heart rate quickens and my blood pressure must rise to a great high. I feel the pressure and weight of all the many tasks still at hand. All of the things I knew should be done, but I had time didn't I? There is no rush... Well, now there is a rush... I still just don't want to really do it all though.
It isn't that I don't want to go to Ohio. I look forward to the adventure there. Yes, it will be cold. We are blessed with clothes to wear. It isn't that I don't think my kids will be happy. They will experience the separation from things and people familiar but my kids are confident kids, always friendly and talkative. They will be great! This will even be a good thing. It is so easy to become complacent and take for granted what you have. This move will be a good lesson for all of us. Leaving a ministry that I have nurtured and lived with for about eight years will be hard, but not really that hard. The children's ministry belongs to God. I was entrusted with its leadership- a huge blessing and opportunity I am forever grateful for. But I leave this ministry in good hands. I will greatly miss the people I have served with for so long. They have been huge blessings to me and to my own kids. But they will continue to serve and bless more kids and they don't need me to do that. I, too, will eventually find where God wants me to serve kids and their families. I have no doubt that is my calling but I don't know what it will look like in Ohio.
I am not afraid or concerned about living in a smaller house- we have a basement for storage and some play area. Less to clean! I am not worried about finding my own contacts - already provided and my bloggy friends are still a screen away. I am not concerned about schooling or even a church home. Schools are great, little man will be okay with me for a few months, and a church will be found. So what is making my heart race? It is my home here- The house that I love, not because of its up-to-date in the late 80s counter tops, light and water fixtures, not because of its huge open floor plan. A bit under 2000 sq ft and not so open by today's plans but a good entertaining home. I love this house because this is house God provided when we moved here almost 10 years ago. I love this house because of the beautiful pond and wildlife in my backyard. I have an amazing yard! I love it because it is in a great neighborhood with Halloween traditions, Christmas luminaries, and occassional summer activities as a neighborhood. All with friendly people who will stop their walk to chat for a minute about the kids. We may not each others names but we are aware of each other's presence and what is happening on the surface as we drive or walk by each house. I love my house because this is where my little ones were brought home and learned to walk, talk, and ride a trike! This is where we have celebrated birthdays, Christmas, and summer days. This has been the place my heart and the hearts of my family have loved with each heartbeat. This has been home! Now I face the reality that I am leaving home in a few weeks and my home will be left without a heart. I have prayed for a buyer for this little house. Someone to just love it and to love in it. Someone to be its heart. For whatever reason, God has not provided that person yet. So my heart beats a little more rapidly when I think about closing the door and locking it for the last time as I move all that I love 550 miles away. I am sure that God will provide a buyer, the ability to have mortgage and rent payments made, my family will transition fine and that He knows my heart. He has much in store for us. I simply must love Him, my family and trust. My heart and the hearts of my family will love each other and love God with each heartbeat. We will be together again under one roof, just not in the "house on the pond" but in the "little rental house in the snow".


I am thankful for:
1. the house on the pond
2. the little rental house in the snow
3. God's provision of a house
4. warm clothes
5. adventures
6. new experiences
7. bloggy friends
8. new friends
9. confident kids
10. provision of a job
11. provision for all our needs
12. God's grace
13. God's compassion
14. God's concern
15. opportunity to serve
16. those that served us
17. new service opportunities
18. new church family
19. friendly neighbors
20. memories
21. new memories to come
22. all things 80s
23. room to entertain and to love
24. the pond
25. wood ducks, turtles, herons, geese, fish, deer galore
26. laughter
27. trike and scooter rides on leaf roads
28. hide and seek among the pines and azaleas
29. quiet and not so quiet afternoons in the sun
30. Christmaas mornings
31. pancakes on Saturdays
32. bringing home babies
33. the family to come soon
34. the hearts that beat
35. the one my heart beats the fastest for the last 19 years
36. the one who created each heart beat
37. home where ever the hearts beat

God Is In Control

Today, my first born celebrated her seventh birthday! What a glorious day seven years ago when she was first put in my arms. Her birth was 12 years in coming to us. How we prayed, cried out in anguish with our empty arms and womb. We waited and began the adoption process when God allowed a minor medical issue to lead me to a OB/GYN that suggested something the specialist and other doctors didn't think would work with me. We took a chance and VIOLA! Here she is and so is her little brother. God answers prayers but it is in His timing. My plans are not always His plans. His plans are to help me, not to harm me. I know that but too often, I don't live that truth out. While I celebrate her birthday without my hunky hubby and fabulous father of my two little pumpkins, I am reminding myself of this truth. For I have prayed for my little "house on the pond" in Georgia to sell by November 1. November 1 has come and is now two hours short of being gone and not a single potential owner has stepped foot in my house. God is not ready for my house to be sold to another family. I don't know why exactly, but I would guess that maybe He is going to put me to the test to see if I will trust Him with this. If I will be obedient and faithful in the things He has been working on me with in the last few weeks. The pruning and reshaping has been bittersweet. While it is hard to face the ugly reality that I am so undeserving of His grace, forgiveness, compassion, love- just being allowed to call myself His daugher, I also have enjoyed the time we have spent together. I have been able to crawl up on His lap and just cry out to Him for forgiveness and guidance in starting again - making things right in my life. My rebellion and lack of trust in Him has been brought to light and now I am so trying to keep right by His side, in His safety and protection. So while my prayers are not answered and many of the other things that I think should happen may not happen in my timing, God is absolutely in control. I am going to try very hard not to be anxious- (I am the master at worrying, by the way.) But with His help, I will lay the worries, anxieties down at His feet and allow Him to handle it. With God's guidance, I will make the better choices and He will not lead me in a path of harm. God is faithful and enough for me this day and everyday - If I trust Him and Him alone.
Happy Birthday to my little pumpkin eater! God is so incredibly good! He answered my prayers in ways I could never imagine with her! He is amazingly and perfectly good to me! Thank you, God, for my little ones and for your amazing grace!!

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Isaiah 30:15-18:21
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’ Therefore, you will flee! You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’ Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill.” Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will direct your paths straight.

So Much More.....

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been that I have had time or the presence of mind to stop in and just ramble.
God has been good! For the past year, we have prayed for God's provision of a better job situation for hubby. God decided in August to answer not with "It is okay - things will better where you are" Nor did He get my memo about south of the Mason-Dixon. No, ma'am! He has been opening doors for a life in Ohio! The Cleveland area!!! We are trading in our Callaway Garden passes for Niagra Falls passes. We are that close for daytrips! This should be quite an adventure and a challenge for a southern girl who lives in her flip flops and crop pants. The kids are excited though! Snow! No school uniforms! A possible basement to play in! They are really excited! I would be more excited except I am quite worried about selling our beloved little house here in Georgia. Everyday someone has asked if we have had any interest and everyday I must say "No". Not one looker except the one fellow Dana hired before he left the company. We weren't what he wanted. He was very kind to endure a tour.
God has been taking some of this time with Dana being gone- Yes, he has been in Ohio since the early part of Sept. working and living in a little furnished apt. We see him every other weekend. But God has been working on my heart. It has been so hard and so necessary. I don't know that He is done with me yet or not. I will confess that I have not been obedient to Him and the consequences are hard.
I have really tried to dig into the Word and spend lots more time talking to Him. I have even arranged things or rather made it a priority to make it to worship every week. The children's ministry will have to get along without me soon enough. That is another chapter in this story. I have been so dry and am thirsty - longing for time with God. I am undeserving!
I will share some of the Word spoken to me- I can't explain my thoughts on it totally yet here but Psalms 25 and Isaiah 30:15-21;29. Especially verse 21 "This is the Way, Walk in it." It is amazing how many times God has put that verse in front of me in the last weeks. I am always amazed at how He uses others to do His teaching and prodding. These are just a few of the scriptures I have spent time with.
God has provided with a good candidate to take my place in Kidsville. I love kidmin. I don't know if that is where God will lead me in the future. I have a lot of maturing to do though. I am at peace in some aspects of leaving Kidsville and all the kids and my team behind. There is another mission field for me to work in up in Ohio. I am not certain where God is leading me. I will have lots to pray about and try to clearly discern what God is leading me to do there. I know it very well may not be in leadership as a kidmin but it isn't about leading. I just want to teach and help little ones and their families.
I have come to the understanding that while we hae been praying for provision in Dana's job and for our family. God was answering this prayer as "Yes, I will provide Dana with a new job (in Ohio) and I will provide your family with what is needed... a mommy that can be singularly focused on God and family again... at least for a season." I have been so wrapped up and out of kilter because of kidmin and MOPS that I ministered great to other kids and families but my own has been robbed. Oh, the difficulty in knowing that fully. God has asked me to be obedient to Him and to walk in faith. I am actually looking forward to curling up on my couch on a cold and snowy day in February under my warmest blankie with my hot chocolate and just spending time talking to God and reading more about what He wants me to know. I don't know if it will be in my own house or a rented house or small apartment. It won't matter. The ultimate goal is for my family to be together as one - healthy and content in our new life as Ohioians or whatever. God has been so good in so much so far. I will Trust and Obey Him! To Him I Surrender All! What an adventure that lies ahead of us. God is good although He does have a great sense of humor- Flip flops in snow?? Do they have grits up there? He will provide as always... Maybe Grit Trees are indigeneous to Ohio......

I am thankful for .....
1. a job in Ohio
2. a family that longs to be together
3. my friend who is willing to lead in kidmin
4. friends who come over at 6am to help with garage sales
5. a house to sell in Ga
6. a realator working for us in Ohio
7. amazing ways God provides for us.
8. bloggy friends -yet unmet in Ohio waiting to help us.
9. the adventure that lies ahead
10. God behind me whispering in my ear and heart
11. the hard stuff
12. the soft landings
13. grace beyond imagining
14. fall football
15. flip flops
16. crop pants
17. grits
18. Fed Ex for BBQ deliveries
19. hot chocolate
20. warm blankies
21. snowy days with God
22. happy kids
23. time with God
24. worship
25. hubby that loves and misses us
26. loving and missing hubby as much or more
27. opportunities provided to serve in kidmin
28. the opportunities ahead
29. a family to serve and minister
30. SO MUCH MORE......

God is Near- Rejoice!

Philippians 4:4-7 (New International Version)
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Rejoice in the Lord for He is near. Even in times of trouble and anxiety the Lord is near. Rejoice and with thanksgiving bring the Lord my troubles and trials. Rejoice for He is near and ready to handle it all for me. This is a time to feel His presence and to allow Him to shape me into the girl He wants me to be. He is near. He hears my requests and cries, even if I feel unworthy and undeserving. He is near. Feel His peace, His comfort, His presence in my life. He is near. I can not control anything and when things seem to be on the verge of collapse or even when everything is out of control in my life, He is near. He is in control of it all. I may not understand the plan or the reasons, but He is near and He is in control. He is near. Rejoice - Again, Rejoice in it all! Even when I don't feel like rejoicing, Rejoice, He is near!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (New International Version)
16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

71. My incredibly amazing and hunky husband
72. A beautiful little girl full of laughter and love
73. An adorable little boy who loves his mommy very much
74. Three devoted felines, ever patient and loyal
75. The homey and comforting feeling generated by sun as it reflects in the afternoon on the fireplace mantle
76. The diamonds created on the pond by the same sun throughout the day
77. The wildlife enjoying food, water, shelter and the freedom to play provided by the pond and the trees in our backyard
78. Safe travels for our family
79. Hubby's job
80. Anticipation of reuniting with family in summer
81. Peace and Comfort in knowing God is near
82. Comfort of soft jammies and my bed
83. Praise and worship music by Kari Jobe and Travis Cottrell
84. Resolve in being the mom, wife and child of God only I can be
85. Peace in knowing that is what my ministry really is
86. Joy in starting a new Bible study in the book of Ruth
87. Quiet reading of Southern Sister novel by Anne George
88. Hearing amazing hubby call me incredibly beautful woman and children darling before good night
89. Knowing God is near and waiting on me to decide to be still and wait on Him
90. A passion/desire for children and family ministry despite not knowing where the passion/desire should lead me
91. For each of my struggles today - I give thanks
92. My inability to control and fix things for hubby
93. God's perfect ability to control and arrange things
94. For God's perfect will for me and my precious family
95. God's love, presence and comfort by staying near to us

First, Let Me.....

Yesterday, my Proverbs 31 Ministry devotional arrived in my inbox with Hold That Thought! as the title. I quickly scanned it and found as usual, but in a particularly strong way, it strike a chord within me. So, I printed it out with the intentions of reading it more intentionally and meditating on it later in the day- when all was quieter. At the time, one screaming baby and two rambunctious kiddos were afoot. Well, needless to say, my day quickly fell apart. At the end of the day, I had sent my first born off to her first church camp, soothed and comforted the little brother left behind, cared for a friend's newborn, picked up Co-op veges, dealt with many phone calls and computer scans that are brought on by a very nasty link sent to ALL of my contacts without my knowledge and definitely without my permission. Laundry still in the dryer, dishes in the dishwasher and sink and ministry emails unsent, devotional not read, meditated on and with the exception of a few prayers sprinted upward in the day as the chaos spilt out, time with God was again last on my list.
All that is said not because I wanted to share my crazy, harried day, but to give one snippet of the things that end up ahead of God in my life. You see, everyday I am dealing with laundry, dishes, menu, fussing, crying, needy children, some errand or other responsibility that screams for my attention and action. Everyday I end up telling God, "First, let me....then I will sit and talk to You. I will then let You talk to Me after I .....". This is exactly what Luanne Prater was talking about in her Proverbs 31 devotional. Putting God second, third, fourth, etc. on the list of things to do and He never gets to on the list.
Like a Good Bible Study Girl, I know better. I know what I need to do. But it is so stinking hard! I have quite a few things I need to change including, developing a new ability to say NO! to additional commitments no matter how good they seem to be. I need to trust others to do the jobs I have been doing. Pray for more leaders to take over some of the tasks I do. Basically, learn or execute some improved leadership skills. My priorities are upside down, inside out, backwards, twisted, out of proportions.
Am I surprised that I feel used up, dry, lost, desperate for God? God made us to need Him, to worship Him, to rely on Him for our every need. I am and have been trying to do everything on my own again and call on Him in my spare time for a that bonus time. Now I know that I can't just dump everything I am committed to or tell everyone who depends on me to deal with it. My kids and husband do need the Mommy around. But I can start by making some better choices by saying, "First, let me spend time with my Father God, then I will...... I will .......after God and I have our time together talking."
This morning as I debated getting up at 5:30am to have that time with God. (My lazy bones won. Hence, exercise and better bedtime hours are needed choices). I tuned into a station that shows nature scenes with scripture and soothing worship music. My eyes managed to focus on a verse that encouraged me to find yesterday's devotional right away.
Psalms 143:8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
What this verse tells me that first thing in the morning I need to sit down so that God can speak to me through His Word, the Bible. I need to be reminded first thing in the morning that God's love will never be taken away from me. He is faithful to provide what I need for the day if I seek Him first (Matt. 6:33),First thing in the morning to start my day off right. He will give me the strength and ability to accomplish what I should be focused on for that day. By seeking His Will for my day, He will show me what/who needs my attention for the day. I will more likely find the blessings or "manna" from heaven that I can be joyful and thankful for throughout the day. I will be able to recognize God's presence in my life and my kids and others wil likely be able to see God do some amazing things in the midst of doing life. I just need to give God my first moments of the day.
I long so for that comfort and reasurance that only God can give. Today's Proverbs 31Ministry devotional by Lysa TerKeurst showed up in my inbox with some thoughts about that. It goes hand in hand with yesterday's thoughts and the verse from Psalms 143. Read the whole Psalm 143 though first and well, God is speaking to me. It is great when I say, "First, let me read this in the Bible, then I will ....." Please don't be offended if I put you off till later in the day or the week or even say "No, I can't". You see, I NEED God to come first in my daily, crazy, harried, busy mommy/wife/ministry leader/etc. life.

Plan B

Pete Wilson, Christian blogger on WithoutWax and Senior Pastor at Crosspoint Church, just came out with his first book, Plan B.
I haven't read it yet, but these quotes shared by another blogger are worth thinking about and finding encouragement and hope in God's Word that He is in charge of all things.

"We are going to all get to that place where life hurts and our hearts are broken.
We are all going to find ourselves in the middle of a Plan B… 


Being a Christian doesn’t change this reality at all.”

How do you reconcile two seemingly unmixable things--
on one side you have a God who is all loving all powerful and
on the other side, life that's full of disappointment, crisis and hurt?"

"We must be willing if necessary to abandon the life we planned and dreamed in order to receive the life that our God authored for us."

"Faith is saying I choose to believe in you, God, more than this or that tragedy."

"The choice of faith is the fundamental choice that changes everything in our Plan Bs because it changes who we become."

"The wall is the place where I must relinquish what I cling to for identity... Please understand, please prepare yourself because if you haven't come up against the wall yet, you will eventually."

When Everything Falls Apart

Life hasn't always worked out the way I had it all planned. Plan B,C,D,E,F,.....Z are often employed. I know that God's ways and plans are better than mine. I know more often than I care to admit, that I interrupt His best plans for me, with my rebellion, disobedience and independent ways.
Right now, I am struggling with trusting Him totally. I can give a lot of lip service to trust in Him always in all things. But when it comes down to it. I don't think I do a good job with trust always in all. There is that nagging fear or worry that the shoe is going to drop, the inevitable is about to happen, the worst case scenario is about to become reality that haunts me. If I am being haunted or thinking on these things do I really trust? Can I trust or rather will I trust God when everything falls apart in my world? Will it be the end of the world if things become tough, not as I planned? If my happiness, peace, security in this world relies on my plans for life, I may be in for a large dose of grief. How do I focus on God's love and provision for me? He has never failed me in the past, even when my plans so miserably failed. I know what I should do, but I need the discipline and the desire to really do it before everything does fall apart.