One Thousand Gifts

My Gratitudetuesays have now become my One Thousand Gifts. My count is being mostly recorded in a special journal now simply because I have been not well for almost two months. It has been easier to just record with pen and paper as they happen. I am not going back to count the times I recorded manna moments in Gratitude Tuesdays (although not always on a Tuesday). I am starting fresh at one. God is a good provider. He provides in mysterious and wonderful ways for me and for my family. My manna moments are mine. They may not resemble anything anyone else discovers. My manna moments may not be poetic or seemingly important in the scheme of things, but they are exactly what God provided for me in that moment to bring me grace, thanksgiving and joy. Living a life of Eucharisteo is important, especially important to me right now. It is the thing that helps keep me God focused and not self-focused. This part of my journey may seem hard but it may be the easier part of the journey. I don't know what is ahead of me. Each day brings along some challenge or struggle, but finding and naming the gifts-Eucharisteo-is a balm to my often restless, impatient and yes, ungrateful spirit. Eucharisteo in both the "easy" and in the "hard" times is important. Giving thanks then receiving the gift and living the joy even in the hard times is so critical. I am not sure how anyone can endure real suffering without returning thanks to God for it all. Faith that He has it all in control and will use this hard time for my good! It has to be with Eucharisteo! Just as Jesus gave thanks before using the little boy's lunch to feed thousands and then the gift, the miracle and the joy that follows and more thanksgiving. Just as Jesus gave thanks before breaking bread in the Last Supper leading to His death. How hard of a spot to be in, but the miracle that followed and the joy that I can have in knowing that life with Him- His grace, love, forgiveness- He alone is the reason that I can give thanks in all things here and in all things that are to come. I have the hope of communing with Him for all eternity. Until then there is the joy and the expectation of finding Him daily in the little gifts of life and communing with Him daily with thanksgiving and love. My one thousand gifts list will continue on paper but also as time allows I will record some of them here as well starting with the next journal number.

111. God's gift of a Savior
112. Hope of life with Him
113. Rainy days
114. Green grass
115. Puddles to splash in
116. Folded laundry
117. Starch
118. Ironed collars and creased sleeves
119. A happy first grader
120. School girl friendship struggles
121. Phone chats with friends dating to B.C. - what a huge blessing!
122. Jello with no fruit
123. Heading a pillow soceer ball into the sink of dirty dishes
124. Cars and PBS Kids Go!
125. Healing of all- body, mind and spirit

My Wilderness Confession

4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:4-9 The Messsage

The Lord has been dealing with me concerning my obedience and lack of dependence on Him in all things for a long time. Unfortunately, I am much like the Israelites, hard-headed, blind, too self-focused which lead to more rebellion and self-delusion that I am alright. Like the Israelites, God has taken me from my Egypt where I was quite comfortable although a slave to the activities and expectations (put there by me mostly) that kept me from enjoying being God's precious treasure. (Exodus 19:5) Now that I am in the wilderness, away from the things that gave me seemingly purpose and value, away from the comfortable climate, attitudes, values, accent, food... everything Southern! I am not comfortable. It is just stinkin' hard at times. The wilderness is hard and uncomfortable because it is exposing all those weaknesses, self-sufficiency, lack of trust, etc. that I always pushed aside to deal with later. God started me on this wilderness journey while I was back in the South, so this is not a totally Northern journey. He has just moved my physical location and I believe, has moved me away from some of the activities I was so passionate about so I could refocus on Him, His will for me and His provision alone. Like the Israelites, I can do really well for a while, reading, praying, memorizing, keeping my mind parked on things that are right, true, praiseworthy, etc. I feel at bit more at peace. But then something is said or done that brings back worry, anxiety, whispers of failure, loneliness, inadequacy, and it spirals back to my grumbling and whining to myself. Just like the Israelites in Exodus 14 among other places, I rebel. I purposefully avoid going to scripture, trying to memorize, my prayers or thoughts are more on the order of "Poor pitiful me! I don't have any value or purpose other than to clean toliets, make food, wash and iron, referee squabbles, etc. I have no friends. No one calls me to check on me- People here are so different- How will I ever find friends?! I have failed and lost out as a mommy - Why can't I find motivation to follow thru with anything- I am so lazy!". On and on the laments go, whining and complaining. I know it is wrong, but I get stuck in the tirade against myself and my situation. I might as well say that God has brought me to the North, away from children's ministry and all that I hold dear and comfortable to just waste away in boredom and self-pity. Maybe I should pray for Dana to get another job back South? That is when I fall down like Aaron and Moses and speak some sense. Stop being so self-focused and become all God-focused, Girl!!! Focusing on me and my weaknesses, my abilities, my feelings, being self-focused, I begin to rebel. I am not focusing on Truth, on God, but on the lies and me.Here is the Truth: My family and I have been led through a land that is full of milk and honey- God has provided a good job for Dana- He answered prayers fervantly prayed. How can I throw that back at God? He is good and our Provider! He knows the very path we will travel and for travel for good reason. (Proverbs 3:5-9, Jeremiah 29:11-13) I realize that I am merely afraid. Again afraid indicates I am focusing on me and my abilties or rather inabilities. 29 Then I said to you, “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the wilderness. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” Deuteronomy 1:29-31 NIV Being afraid is relying on myself, not on God to lead me and provide for me. Unlike the Israelites, I want to trust God in this journey. I want to be thankful for the manna that He provides daily. God is good! God is going to fight for me and with Me. He will fill in all my gaps as a mom and wife. He will give me strength to face each day anew and fresh. God is all I need for today, tomorrow, for all of my needs.

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
Habukkuk 3:17-19 NIV

So my wilderness lesson right now is to be thankful in all things- Jesus is Near!! When worry comes into my mind, replace it with prayer and finding Eucharisteo! Record the manna moments. God is near. He is providing for me and my family. He will deliver us to a place that is best for us! Don't park my mind on me- so much of that is going to be used by Satan to discourage me- it is not true or praiseworthy to just name a few of the issues with those thought processes. Focusing on that God has it all in control and is working behind the scenes for the good of me and my family. It just may not be the easiest of journeys.
Satan will use the feelings loneliness, discouragement, disappointment and doubt to derail me. If I don't dwell on these feelings(the lies) but on the truth that God has something bigger and better in store for me and my family if I simply wait, trust and am obedient to Him then He will reveal a far greater mission for my life and for my famliy's. Our promiseland is at the end of this journey.
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 NIV

Surrendering, Stronger, Joyful

What if I could be courageous enough to act and react like a complete person - a Jesus girl who has His joy in her, sustaining her, and directing her?

I am full aware that much of what I am going through is nothing compared to what many endure in this life. I have it so good. I still deal with many fears. Many of my expectations are not met in this life and that causes me great stress- Did I ever mention that I like to have things planned out, controlled and no inconveniences? Some of my expectations are not met because of my own failings, my own sin, my own willfulness. I am learning to extend myself some grace and let go- to surrender- lift my hands to God to pull me out of the danger and threatening situations. He is in total control. He has orchestrated my life and the the life of my family to be in these circumstances and environment. He does work all things for His good and for my good. His ways are higher than mine - He does infinitely more than I could ever imagine. I could go on and on with all of the truths I know about God being in control and for my need to rest and trust in Him alone. Give myself some grace and just surrender to Him. Rest in Him. Stay close to Him. All that I have encountered in my life and in the recent years has been for a reason. I am where I am for a reason. I know that I need to focus on being mom and wife and to wait and trust Him for direction in other endeavors. He is in control, He will direct my steps each day-each hour, minute and second. But I must surrender it all to Him and allow Him to use me for His glory and purposes. In return I get to see God in action, my kids and others get to see and experience His love, grace and provision as well. I am changed - hopefully, even ruined for good. I will be made stronger, better, more complete in Him. I will be that Jesus girl I so want to be- acting and reacting full of joy, sustained and guided by my LORD.

Focus

Moving to Ohio has been a challenge for our family. For me personally, I have left the comfortable and known life of the South and of life in Milledgeville behind. While it was not a perfect place and I would have and still would love to be closer to my family, it was a known entity and comfortable. I am far from being comfortable and at home here but it has only been about a month and it has been so cold of late that I could almost be a hermit in order to stay warm.
While we have said all along that God has plans for us here, it is hard to be patient for them to be revealed. Yet, I look back and am reminded that even in the transition time I have felt I know a bit of God's plan, at least for me. For some time, I have felt the need to delegate or relinquish some of my responsiblities of the ministries I led to better focus on my own family. I did do some of this but not near what I probably needed to do. Also, I need to trust God in all things. Easy to say but so hard to do. God has His own plans for Dana and the children, but for me my valley has been letting go of a lot of independence, self-sufficiency and identity and control issues. God has been with me all the way and provided for my every need. The time that we were separated as a family and I was coming to terms with my own sin issues was actually bittersweet. The time I spent in prayer, journaling and reading was wonderful. I felt God beside me yet I was grieving and still struggling. These issues are still present. It is kind of like an addiction. The tendency is there, but I am more conscious of the triggers and the symptoms or characteristics so I am just more are and sensitive to it all.
I love that my family is together and I really believe Ohio will be okay to live in, once I get used to the cold and snow. Snow is not all that it is made out to be.....
Of late I have felt pretty down about things for me personally. I miss my home and so want it to sell. Please Lord, provide a buyer quickly. I am nervous about eventually buying here after we sell in Georgia because I am nervous about Dana's job security and the sale of a home in Ohio. Not at a peace or maybe it is that lack of trust. I am lost most days. I know of house work that needs or should be done, yet I have no desire or motivation to do it. Forrest needs someone to play with him and to teach him a bit. So sadly, I lack the energy or desire to even do this. Finally, I have time to scrapbook! But the desire and energy are not there. I am involved in a Bible Study. This is the one highlight of my week. I haven't really made any friends or connected yet. However, I do feel some peace and serenity here. The other activities including the church we are attending, I don't feel peace about at all. I still feel lost and homeless. One of the things I know is that my personal time with God needs and should be renewed quickly. I need uninterrupted time with God to keep my eyes and heart on Him. I will never hear His call for my life here in Ohio unless I get close enough and tuned in well enough to hear. I need to be in a praise and gratitude mind set. Instead of naming my disappointments and focusing on the things I don't have, I need to be counting my blessings. Remembering that one of the reasons I believe I am here in Ohio is to focus on my two kids and my husband. I need to reconnect with them. For so many years, I have talked a good game about being a good wife and mommy, yet my family probably wouldn't agree that I was one. I have become grumpy, impatient, unhappy and business like with my little ones. Seeing me smile is a rarity that they notice and comment on. Why is that? I don't enjoy being mommy and haven't in a long while. They are loved deeply but I have viewed them as interruuptions and bothersome details in my life of ministry. I need to focus on being there physically, emotionally and mentally for my family. I need to take care of getting healthy spiritually before all the other parts fall into place properly. Mary Louise in particular needs a good mommy role model. She also needs a safe haven to come home to after a long and challenging school day. Snippy and distracted, grumpy and impatient mommy in cluttered house is not it!
While I know for certain that God has called me to Children's Ministry and I love it! I don't miss the details and the volunteer shortage issues that happen each week. I miss the kids and I really miss the team members I got to serve with. I miss so much of CM, but I don't miss it at all. That doesn't make a lot of sense, I know. I have long needed a break even if it was in delegating some of the many tasks. So much of the weekly prep work happened solely because of me. I don't say that to praise me, just the opposite. That was one of my sin struggles. First,God was left out of the ministry. I totally relied on my physical and mental abilities to handle it all. Secondly,I wouldn't train up the team members and bless them with the opportunities to do a lot of things they could have done to help. I did a lot of physical work, but God did all of the spiritual stuff for the kids, families and staff totally without me. I was selfish in the service and it came at a great cost to me spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. My family also paid a great cost. Lesson learned is balance is critical. Balance in family and ministry and balance in public and private time with God. What does God want of me in Children's Ministry now? I don't know. I do know He has something prepared for me. He has not given me the experiences and opportunities at NCC to not go on somehow in CM at some point. I am watching, waiting and praying for the right time and right work for Him.
In the past weeks, I have felt lost and alone. While God did provide some contacts here for me, I don't have and honestly, didn't have in Milledgeville, the girlfriends factor. I had some ladies that I could call and chat with while the kids played at Chic-Fil-A. There were some ladies that would call me for advice or some sort of help. I had lots of people that I saw and talked with weekly at church. But someone to bear my soul to? Nope, there wasn't anyone I could talk with about Dana's job and stresses with it, the struggles I faced in CM and home and child-rearing or even the lack of shopping options or a good recipe. I was in a crowd but often very lonely. So why is it so hard now to feel lonely? Maybe because no one is calling me anymore about anything and I don't have those familiar faces to check in on each week. I find that my bloggy friends are the largest comfort yet again to me. I just wish for one good friend to do life with here.
Again, I need to focus on God and His call for my life right now... That is to focus on making my home a safe haven for my stressed husband and for my daughter; to focus on giving my son some fun and intentional learning experiences; to focus on managing home and household in a godly and right way; to wait patiently on God and the revealing of any other purpose for my life, particularly in regard to Children's Ministry; to simply trust God in ALL things; to get myself back in shape physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually which means time intentionally spent with Him in reading, journaling, memorization and prayer. It can not depend on how well connected I feel to a certain church, girlfriend or dwelling place. It must depend totally on my focus on God as the provider of all things and healer, comforter and sufficiency in my life. God is great - God is good- I need to live like I really believe it. Focus! Focus!

God Is In Control

I am reminded that while my storms of life seem huge and scary, there are so many others that would trade places with me. I am thankful for good health for all of us, for a job, for family and friends that are concerned, for opportunities past and present and to come- for a God who is in control the whole time and never leaves my side- I just need to stay aware that He is there. My storms are still my storms and scary to me I just need to trust God and allow Him to sustain me through it all. There are many that sing this song, but I like Matt Redman so turn down the playlist at the bottom of this page and remember that God will carry me and you through our individual scary storms of life. We don't need to be afraid.



Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I’m caught
In the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me

God Has It All Planned Out

Is there a reason I don't fully understand for why my house has not sold? Yes, the economy in general and in particular this area of Georgia have been very hard hit by the economy. Yes, God may be teaching me to let go and trust Him. I don't know. I do know this... God answered prayers about providing a job for Dana when things at the Georgia company looked pretty bleak and no future for him there. God provided people for me to connect with in the Ohio community we are moving to. God provides. Maybe we misread God's intention for us to go to Ohio. We, especially Dana, prayed about it and felt like it was the right thing. I did have some uneasy feelings but who looks forward to selling a house in a bad economy- My simple brain and outlook on world events even recognized the reality of bad timing for house sales. I didn't and don't look forward to moving a long distance with two kids and three cats at Christmas time. So I had a less than peaceful feel for the whole thing. Maybe that was God poking me...I don't know. What I do know is that over the last couple of months, I have had to stand on my own as a mom and not so great at a single parent thing--- appreciate Dana even more. I know that I have spent a lot of time coming to grips with my major weaknesses and failures and trying to reconnect to God and what He wants for me. I do know that I have given up or will completely give up a ton of responsibility at church and the kids' schools and will have the time I need to really refocus on my relationship with God. It has so suffered over the years- Looking good and sounding good to the casual observer but to my God and I know the truth. I will have time to refocus on my hubby and give him the time and attention he deserves and my children. Well, they are my first priority in children's ministry. They need a mom who is not stressed out, busy, distracted and otherwise consumed with ministry and other duties. They need mom - who cooks, keeps a much tidier house, scrapbooks their memories, reads to them again and just laughs again. This move has provided these opportunities. To bring me back to where I should have been all along- closer to my God, my hubby and my kids- following God's calling and will for me as a daughter of His.
What I don't know is how my learning to trust God fully is going to play out. Since Dana has been working in Ohio, he has been so overwhelmed and frustrated. A lot of that comes from just starting a new job with a new company and it didn't help he was up there alone. Now he has started to get a handle on some things but he has repeatedly said he felt frustrated and a bit paranoid. He hasn't felt like he has been pleasing or living up to what his boss wants. He gets little feedback even on the accomplishments- Some of it is this guy's management style and personality but still Dana has felt less than successful and that he may not "make it". During a business trip with this fellow, Dana is even more certain - less paranoid - more sure that he is not making his boss happy. It is actually mutual- a bit of a disappointment for Dana. While he doesn't think he is fired in the immediate future, there may not be a long term future for us in Ohio. So the question comes back to is this the reason our house is not selling? So we have place to return when things end? Is this one more test to see how much I will trust God with all of this? I will admit, I have thought if he is fired - do it now before we all go- but then I think about the rent we have committed to and I know how much we have in savings. -- We need to keep this job for at least 6 months. I really do not have an issue with moving up there. I am actually looking forward to it- just not the drive and moving out/in part. I think I need this time of no committments except to God and family. Perhaps even Dana needs to focus on God, family and of course, work. I don't know what the future holds for us. I do know that God wants me to trust Him totally - completely- fully and to do so with joy- peace. I am not there yet, but I will say that I surprised myself that when Dana told me this today that for a brief and very brief second, I did feel that sinking feeling. However, I really feel okay- a bit reenergized about moving- I will not let Satan use this to defeat me or to defeat my family. Dana needs some encouragement- He needs to feel some accomplishment or hope that this job is going to be okay for longer than a few months. Satan will not use this to sideswipe us and leave us doubting or in despair. My God is bigger than all of this - God is our God forever and ever to the end. He wants to be our Guide, to lead us each step of the way into His perfect Will for us. I will not be defeated and will stand in the Light- trusting God all the way.
I love Jeremeiah 29:10-14. I will use the Message version here. It starts with God's words, "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and NOT A DAY BEFORE, I'll show up and take care of you as I PROMISED and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to TAKE CARE OF YOU, NOT ABANDON YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU THE FUTURE YOU HOPE FOR. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen, When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, WHEN YOU GET SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING ME AND WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you, I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you - bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it."
Now don't get the idea that I feel like we have been sent into exile or that God is going to bring us back to this one spot. But God has a plan - it is His perfect plan for us- He will carry it out in HIS timing- not my timing- not my plan. His plan will not hurt us - it may not be comfortable or pleasant or easy in the process but His plan is not going to lead us to destruction or danger- He is with us all the way-My plans or desires need to be aligned with God's for me and my family. The only way that will happen is when I am sitting at His feet, talking to Him and leaning on Him no matter what. He will lead us to where we need to be and to do what He wants for us. Right now we are in a place of unreast, unsure of what tomorrow holds- but we can count on God to not leave us there but to bring us back to a place where we are confident that God is in control and that we are doing what He wants-

God Is In Control

Today, my first born celebrated her seventh birthday! What a glorious day seven years ago when she was first put in my arms. Her birth was 12 years in coming to us. How we prayed, cried out in anguish with our empty arms and womb. We waited and began the adoption process when God allowed a minor medical issue to lead me to a OB/GYN that suggested something the specialist and other doctors didn't think would work with me. We took a chance and VIOLA! Here she is and so is her little brother. God answers prayers but it is in His timing. My plans are not always His plans. His plans are to help me, not to harm me. I know that but too often, I don't live that truth out. While I celebrate her birthday without my hunky hubby and fabulous father of my two little pumpkins, I am reminding myself of this truth. For I have prayed for my little "house on the pond" in Georgia to sell by November 1. November 1 has come and is now two hours short of being gone and not a single potential owner has stepped foot in my house. God is not ready for my house to be sold to another family. I don't know why exactly, but I would guess that maybe He is going to put me to the test to see if I will trust Him with this. If I will be obedient and faithful in the things He has been working on me with in the last few weeks. The pruning and reshaping has been bittersweet. While it is hard to face the ugly reality that I am so undeserving of His grace, forgiveness, compassion, love- just being allowed to call myself His daugher, I also have enjoyed the time we have spent together. I have been able to crawl up on His lap and just cry out to Him for forgiveness and guidance in starting again - making things right in my life. My rebellion and lack of trust in Him has been brought to light and now I am so trying to keep right by His side, in His safety and protection. So while my prayers are not answered and many of the other things that I think should happen may not happen in my timing, God is absolutely in control. I am going to try very hard not to be anxious- (I am the master at worrying, by the way.) But with His help, I will lay the worries, anxieties down at His feet and allow Him to handle it. With God's guidance, I will make the better choices and He will not lead me in a path of harm. God is faithful and enough for me this day and everyday - If I trust Him and Him alone.
Happy Birthday to my little pumpkin eater! God is so incredibly good! He answered my prayers in ways I could never imagine with her! He is amazingly and perfectly good to me! Thank you, God, for my little ones and for your amazing grace!!

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Isaiah 30:15-18:21
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’ Therefore, you will flee! You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’ Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill.” Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will direct your paths straight.

God is Near- Rejoice!

Philippians 4:4-7 (New International Version)
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Rejoice in the Lord for He is near. Even in times of trouble and anxiety the Lord is near. Rejoice and with thanksgiving bring the Lord my troubles and trials. Rejoice for He is near and ready to handle it all for me. This is a time to feel His presence and to allow Him to shape me into the girl He wants me to be. He is near. He hears my requests and cries, even if I feel unworthy and undeserving. He is near. Feel His peace, His comfort, His presence in my life. He is near. I can not control anything and when things seem to be on the verge of collapse or even when everything is out of control in my life, He is near. He is in control of it all. I may not understand the plan or the reasons, but He is near and He is in control. He is near. Rejoice - Again, Rejoice in it all! Even when I don't feel like rejoicing, Rejoice, He is near!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (New International Version)
16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

71. My incredibly amazing and hunky husband
72. A beautiful little girl full of laughter and love
73. An adorable little boy who loves his mommy very much
74. Three devoted felines, ever patient and loyal
75. The homey and comforting feeling generated by sun as it reflects in the afternoon on the fireplace mantle
76. The diamonds created on the pond by the same sun throughout the day
77. The wildlife enjoying food, water, shelter and the freedom to play provided by the pond and the trees in our backyard
78. Safe travels for our family
79. Hubby's job
80. Anticipation of reuniting with family in summer
81. Peace and Comfort in knowing God is near
82. Comfort of soft jammies and my bed
83. Praise and worship music by Kari Jobe and Travis Cottrell
84. Resolve in being the mom, wife and child of God only I can be
85. Peace in knowing that is what my ministry really is
86. Joy in starting a new Bible study in the book of Ruth
87. Quiet reading of Southern Sister novel by Anne George
88. Hearing amazing hubby call me incredibly beautful woman and children darling before good night
89. Knowing God is near and waiting on me to decide to be still and wait on Him
90. A passion/desire for children and family ministry despite not knowing where the passion/desire should lead me
91. For each of my struggles today - I give thanks
92. My inability to control and fix things for hubby
93. God's perfect ability to control and arrange things
94. For God's perfect will for me and my precious family
95. God's love, presence and comfort by staying near to us

First, Let Me.....

Yesterday, my Proverbs 31 Ministry devotional arrived in my inbox with Hold That Thought! as the title. I quickly scanned it and found as usual, but in a particularly strong way, it strike a chord within me. So, I printed it out with the intentions of reading it more intentionally and meditating on it later in the day- when all was quieter. At the time, one screaming baby and two rambunctious kiddos were afoot. Well, needless to say, my day quickly fell apart. At the end of the day, I had sent my first born off to her first church camp, soothed and comforted the little brother left behind, cared for a friend's newborn, picked up Co-op veges, dealt with many phone calls and computer scans that are brought on by a very nasty link sent to ALL of my contacts without my knowledge and definitely without my permission. Laundry still in the dryer, dishes in the dishwasher and sink and ministry emails unsent, devotional not read, meditated on and with the exception of a few prayers sprinted upward in the day as the chaos spilt out, time with God was again last on my list.
All that is said not because I wanted to share my crazy, harried day, but to give one snippet of the things that end up ahead of God in my life. You see, everyday I am dealing with laundry, dishes, menu, fussing, crying, needy children, some errand or other responsibility that screams for my attention and action. Everyday I end up telling God, "First, let me....then I will sit and talk to You. I will then let You talk to Me after I .....". This is exactly what Luanne Prater was talking about in her Proverbs 31 devotional. Putting God second, third, fourth, etc. on the list of things to do and He never gets to on the list.
Like a Good Bible Study Girl, I know better. I know what I need to do. But it is so stinking hard! I have quite a few things I need to change including, developing a new ability to say NO! to additional commitments no matter how good they seem to be. I need to trust others to do the jobs I have been doing. Pray for more leaders to take over some of the tasks I do. Basically, learn or execute some improved leadership skills. My priorities are upside down, inside out, backwards, twisted, out of proportions.
Am I surprised that I feel used up, dry, lost, desperate for God? God made us to need Him, to worship Him, to rely on Him for our every need. I am and have been trying to do everything on my own again and call on Him in my spare time for a that bonus time. Now I know that I can't just dump everything I am committed to or tell everyone who depends on me to deal with it. My kids and husband do need the Mommy around. But I can start by making some better choices by saying, "First, let me spend time with my Father God, then I will...... I will .......after God and I have our time together talking."
This morning as I debated getting up at 5:30am to have that time with God. (My lazy bones won. Hence, exercise and better bedtime hours are needed choices). I tuned into a station that shows nature scenes with scripture and soothing worship music. My eyes managed to focus on a verse that encouraged me to find yesterday's devotional right away.
Psalms 143:8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
What this verse tells me that first thing in the morning I need to sit down so that God can speak to me through His Word, the Bible. I need to be reminded first thing in the morning that God's love will never be taken away from me. He is faithful to provide what I need for the day if I seek Him first (Matt. 6:33),First thing in the morning to start my day off right. He will give me the strength and ability to accomplish what I should be focused on for that day. By seeking His Will for my day, He will show me what/who needs my attention for the day. I will more likely find the blessings or "manna" from heaven that I can be joyful and thankful for throughout the day. I will be able to recognize God's presence in my life and my kids and others wil likely be able to see God do some amazing things in the midst of doing life. I just need to give God my first moments of the day.
I long so for that comfort and reasurance that only God can give. Today's Proverbs 31Ministry devotional by Lysa TerKeurst showed up in my inbox with some thoughts about that. It goes hand in hand with yesterday's thoughts and the verse from Psalms 143. Read the whole Psalm 143 though first and well, God is speaking to me. It is great when I say, "First, let me read this in the Bible, then I will ....." Please don't be offended if I put you off till later in the day or the week or even say "No, I can't". You see, I NEED God to come first in my daily, crazy, harried, busy mommy/wife/ministry leader/etc. life.

Colossians Chapter 1

Colossaians 1:4-6 (NLT)
4 For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God’s people, 5 which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven. You have had this expectation ever since you first heard the truth of the Good News.

6 This same Good News that came to you is going out all over the world. It is bearing fruit everywhere by changing lives, just as it changed your lives from the day you first heard and understood the truth about God’s wonderful grace.


Colossians 1:5a (The Message)
The lines of purpose in your lives never grow slack, tightly tied as they are to your future in heaven, kept taut by hope.

Purpose of life? What is my purpose or role? Of course, a lot does depend on Dana's employment. Here is what I know though. My faith is weak. I am not obedient as I should be as a result of my weak faith and trust in God. I like to think that I have it all in my power and control to decide and manage life. Right! With my disobedient and poor decisions come great and severe consequences. So worry, guilt, shame and even worse mount up against me and leave me feeling powerless and just stuck-unmotivated. I am faced with acknowledging that the source of my anxiety (no peace), my joylessness, my irritablity (no gentleness, patience, kindness or mercy) is that I am not close to God! That is a horrible thing to admit. Sure, I can say all the right words and seem holy. Sure, I can keep myself beyond busy with God-related activities but it is all hollow- empty!
Where is the hope? I know Jesus and the Good News from the time I was a child. But I have lost sight of the faith and the hope and the fruit found from being close to Jesus.

Colossians 1:9-12 (NLT)

9 ... We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10 Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.

11 We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy,[a] 12 always thanking the Father...

I need and want in my life:
Knowledge of God's Will
Spiritual Wisdom
to Know the way to live so that God is honored and pleased
Produce Good Fruit - peace, joy, kindness, love,etc.
Know God better and better- Abide with Him, Curl up and intimately know Him
Be strengthened
See God's Glorious Power
Have joy, endurance and patience.
Hope

"ASK" - translated pray. Lord, please help me to know and understand Your Will for me and for my family.I want to follow Your Will for my role and purpose. I need lots of wisdom: Wisdom to raise kids, lead ministry, be a godly wife, be a faithful, loving and obedient daughter to You. Please reveal to my heart and mind how I should live to glorify and honor You in my family's lives and in my home. I want to be known by my patience, my kindness, my gentleness and my love. Not by the lack of it all. I want my family to benefit and be blessed by the fruits of the Spirit. Help me in my thirst and desire for knowing You more intimately so that I can be strengthened by Your glorious power and have teh endurance and patience to withstand life's difficulties and my failures. Help me to find and count the joys in life no matter what my reality is for each day. Remind me of the hope I have from faith and knowledge of You and life to come. You are a faithful God, loving and providing for me always. You have never failed me or disappointed me. You are glorious and wondeful. I do love You, God! How awesome You are. Thank You for Your faithfulness and provision for my life. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Valley of Berachah

Often as I check in with the blogs I have kept as my favorites or get the few remaining blog updates in my inbox, I read something that bears further thought and study. If I am lucky, that happens sometime during that day. Otherwise, I get to it when I stumble across my notes about what I read. Which is what happened yesterday. I had every intention of journaling about what I read in Colossians (thanks to Lysa TerKeurst's online discussion study of said book) when I stumbled across some scribbled notes about powerlessness, victory and bridges in 2 Chronicles 20:1-24. I was drawn to these notes as I am feeling somewhat powerless over what the future of Dana's employment with this company and what exactly am I suppose to do in life - Did I mention that yesterday was my 43rd birthday? That sounds so old and I feel so immature and uncertain like a young girl. Where, oh, where, is maturity and confidence? I digress.
So I wanted to know more about how to experience victory over powerlessness. The story picks up with Jehoshaphat looking at the armies of Moab and the armies of the Ammonites among OTHERS about to attack the Israelites. Can you imagine so many against you at one time? Well, I can. That is my life! My weaknesses, my sin, insecurities, trials and worries of mothering two blessings, household management in this economy with the threat of unemployment, tying to be a better wife that someone like Dana deserves plus the demands and expectations of children's minsitry - Don't even go there with the feelings of failure and inadequacey! I feel such immense powerlessness just as the Jehoshaphat must have.

Look at what happens in 2 Chronicles 20:4-24 NIV (with some editing by me)

4 The people of Judah came together to seek help from the LORD.....6 and said:
"O LORD, Our God .... You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. ......9b we will stand in your presence ....and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.' .....

12 O our God, ... we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

There is the POWERLESSNESS! I do not know what to do, Lord!

15 ..... This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. .... 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, .... Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

20.... Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith ... and you will be successful." 21 .....sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness ....
"Give thanks to the LORD,
for his love endures forever."

This is the BRIDGE! The way to victory!

22 As they began to sing and praise, the LORD set ambushes against (the enemies), and they were defeated. 23 .... destroyed and annihilated.

25 .... plunder,... more than they could take away.... 26 ....assembled in the Valley of Beracah (Valley of Praises), where they praised the LORD.

27 Then, .... (all) returned joyfully ...., for the LORD had given them cause to rejoice over their enemies.

Here is the VICTORY! Overcoming and conquering the enemies of my life!

What I get from this passage is this reminder-- My battles are not mine alone. The battle belongs to God, who is all powerful and mighty to conquer! I am powerless to conquer my enemies, the battles and trials of my life alone. I am constantly trying to go it alone and take care of everything alone. I always end up defeated, pushed down and pushed back. Defeated with only more pity, more frustration, more discouragement and more fear. The battle belongs to God, who is all powerful and mighty to conquer!

Here is the sad part of everything- I know who is my Savior and my Protector. I know what I should do to get help but I don't... sigh

Look what Jehoshaphat reminds me to do... Look to God, Seek Him. Alone I don't have a clue as to what to do or how to manage but God does. God, I am sorry for when I don't cry out to You. I don't trust You to take care of everything. I should know that You are always here for me-always! I am sorry that I get so afraid and so incredibly discouraged about so much of my life! I don't want to be afraid and discouraged! I want to be able to stand firm and watch You do Your mighty and glorious work in my life and in the lives of my family! Amen

I do not have a passive role in this battle. I should be praising God! I should be watching and recognizing the power, might and splendor of God at work and praising Him for all of His love for me and my family!

The means of my leaving my powerlessness behind me and moving on to victory- PRAISES! PRAISES and thanksgiving to God for His love endures forever. His love will last and always be present no matter what! I must turn my sight, my focus to Him, have faith and be aware of His glorious work in my life. PRAISE GOD! I should be living in the Valley of Beracah ! I should name the things I am grateful for daily despite my circumstances, despite my reality. PRAISE GOD!

Victory will be mine because God will ambush, destroy, annihilate my worries, my frustrations, my sin, my weaknesses, my failures, my lack of faith and trust, my insecurities. I will no long be powerless over these things, but finding victories in life because the I stood firm, sought God with faith and watched and praise Him for His love, might and power endure forever. The Valley of Beracah sounds like a lovely place to be settled. Praises and joy that comes from seeking and focusing on God's glory and work in my life against my enemeies. It is time to cross that bridge from powerlessness to victory against the enemies of my life.

Ephesians 6:10-12 (NIV)
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

1 Corinthians 16:13 (NET)
Stay alert. Stand firm in the faith. Show courage.Be strong.


Isaiah 25:1 (NIV)
O LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago.

Psalm 63:1-5

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

New Year's Goals

Okay,I have said this in the soooo many times in the past, "I am going to get organized in my life!". I have made charts, calendars, schedules, plans and plans on how to fit everything into a 24/7 life with 2 kids. But trying to schedule housework, scrapbooking, time with God, play and instructional time with kids, time with hubby, exercise, cooking, sleep, laundry, all the many, many tasks for MOPS and the children's ministry can't be done. Life happens. A kid is sick, daddy is out of town, a special event happens, headaches, just tired, so tired happens. I get bogged down, overwhelmed and all things slow to almost a halt. The only thing that continues to move somewhat is children's ministry because it will happen somehow each week and tons of kids are affected. So sad other people's kids get the better part of me than my own. Do you feel the mommy guilt heaped on me?

So scheduling each hour is out of the question, but I can organize each day generally and set some goals for the day. Flexiblity is important but so is consistency.
An idea from another mommy blogger is to spend no more, yes, set the timer-kind of 5 minutes on each room a day, except the kitchen, which gets 15 minutes. Do the surface stuff. No deep cleaning. That is saved for another day. After 5 minutes move on. This should be about an hour during the day and can happen at any point- morning, afternoon, evening, whenever there is time in that day's schedule. All the rooms don't even have to be done at the same time! Also, give myself permission to do something halfway. So what if all of the kids toys aren't in the absolute correct bin? At least they are picked up. I don't have to have everything completeley organized perfectly. Everything has a home,yes, but sometimes it can be a messy home.

Taking the 90 Day Bible Challenge is helping me take time to read the Bible. I do get behind, but I don't stress. I just get myself caught up and try again. Exercise and eating better is a little harder. I need to just do it early in the morning. I am eating out of the pantry and freezer for this month so whatever is there is going to be eaten.

Time at the computer is needing to be limited. This means MOPS, children's ministry and my own personal blog reading and writing (not that I write a lot here- MOPS is another story) will be affected. I believe this is my biggest time stealer. So getting a timer an sticking to it at specific times of the day is important.

So I have specific goal areas to work on. All of this, hopefully, will result in the ultimate goal of my family having a more fun, loving, patient, present, happy wife and mom and happy and clean home to rest in.

The verse I am using as my motto this year is from Colossians 3:17. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed,do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

My plan for the year is to pray this everyday at meal times(easy way for me to remember) and let all of my activities, speech and attitudes be a reflection of God's Will -to His glory and with thanksgiving to God for the challenges, blessings, opportunities and joys.

Happy New Year!

Good Intentions Leading to a New Season

It seems that yet again I start something and can't quite follow thru the way I should. Other things like family activities, other responsiblilities and just sheer laziness or need for sleep steal away my good intentions. It isn't that I don't always finish somethings, but rather that I don't get to do them the way I envisioned. For example, my study and thoughts of Lysa's book, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl. I have read it several times and spent time thinking and praying about the chapters I read. I just haven't had the chance to come to the blog and journal those thoughts or share them with anyone who might be passing by. (But I shall return to those entries when the time comes again.)
Plans are often made and then readjusted to accommodate the time and other contraints of my life. It is frustrating to no end, but I do give thanks that I have family and other opportunities that interefere with my own desires. I just sometimes wish, not so often though. That is where Simplicity comes in.

I have read Keri Wyatt Kents books about Sabbath keeping. It is so much more than just taking a day off from household chores, and other activities. It is more about making a set time to focus on God and His character. It may be done while watching kids play or while folding laundry with soft music as your company. However, it is done, it is done intentionally and with purpose. Everyone's Sabbath may look a bit different depending on the season of life they are in. A mom with babies and toddlers will have a different kind of Sabbath than a mom with older kids or an empty nester. My attempts at Sabbath Keeping have changed in the last few years as my kids have gotten older and more independent than babies and toddlers. However, I do need encouragement, more intentionality (is that a word?) in making my time with God, my spiritual disciplines more than something a Good Bible Study Girl settle for.

Now I do need to continue cutting back on some of the things I am responsible for and get involved in. My kids are getting older and will be adding to the schedule. They need to also learn that taking time to be with God is a good thing. Becoming more simplified in my spiritual disciplines is critical. So More than a Good Bible Study Girl meet Freedom of Simplicity by Richard Foster. I am going to lead this book discussion after the first of the year. I hope that by doing so I will gain a better understanding of how my Sabbath needs to look and to actually implement it on a more consistent basis.

And yes, I am giving up something. I am giving up a good deal of the MOPS operations to some other ladies. I have already laid the ground work for the meetings that remain this year. The ladies should be able to continue on with me serving as more of an advisor or mentor role. This will be my last year in MOPS. I pray leaders will emerge and be able to carry on for the remainder of the year and future years.

So my season of life is continuing to change. It is a bit sad to see those years with my babies go away. To know that my years staying home to raise them are coming to an end is hard. Despite how hard it has all been it has been glorious and a privilege to raise my little ones to this next stage- elementary school. Oh, this new season will be fun and glorious and challenging as well. So now with Good Intentions I am taking time to focus on preparing myself and my family for a more simplistic lifestyle with a intentional Sabbath time and more purposeful and real spiritual disciplines.I will follow thru with the help of God. I must for my own sake and that of my family's.

Chapter Two- Flitting To and Fro

Oh, to be school teacher! Oh, to be married to wonderful, godly hunk from Georgia Tech! Oh, to be a mommy! Oh, to be part of a successful children's ministry! Oh, to be caught up on all my scrapbooks! Oh, to.... I understand what Lysa describes as the emptiness that makes one "feel desperate, needy, complicated full of unrealistic expectations." All the things I thought would make me feel happy and fulfilled lead to disillusionment and disappointment. Then comes the guilt and the bad attitude which manifests itself in my impatience, grumpiness, lack of joy,etc. with my family and with my circumstances. I understand what she is talking about when she talks about things that "quicky went from blessings to burdens." Although knowing it is God that should be the sole source of filling me, I,too,seek out fulfillment from imperfect people like my darling and amazing husband and sweet children. When I no longer feel satisfied or fulfilled, have I ever looked for something else to make me feel significant? Who me? OH, NO! NOT ME! Yeah, my nose is about the length of the football field at Bobby Dodd Stadium! I tend to pour 150% of myself into any endeavor I chose to do such as MOPS, children's ministry and thus neglect the very ones I love the most. What happens then? Why these things are imperfect and involve imperfect people, and my life circumstances change and then I am disillusioned and left feeling as though I have failed everyone, I mean everyone, because my heart is no longer in it- I have lost my sense of purpose and focus. Then I begin searching for something else to make me feel significant. "Who (am) I to be working in a Christian ministry? Especially one that (teaches) women to love their husbands, nurture their children, and follow after God everyday?" Who am I to be working in a ministry that focuses on leading children to Christ? Lysa describes some of her adventures in trying to find her niche. I am laughing and crying at the same time! She is a good friend to give you a great tummy aching laugh! But she ends up expressing my feelings exactly.- How does she do that?! "I was a hollow woman, not a holy woman. I had said yes to Jesus being my Savior, but didn't have a clue how He could be the answer to my emptiness." There is no way that my husband, my kids, my position in ministry or my profession or my home and possessions can ever fill me. They will never be able to replace my feelings of insecurity or insignificance or my guilt. "No person, possession, profession or postion ever fills the cup of a wounded, empty heart" Anything, but God, is a poor substitute - a false god. I have always loved the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal in 1 Kings 18. Lysa points out verse 29, "But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention." What a word picture is created concerning the false gods I have depended on to fill me. Those gods do not give me the response, answer and attention I need to fill me and make me feel complete. It is only God, my Heavenly Father that responds to me. He answers me. He is attention to me!
Have you ever said something to the effect, "If I only had .....,then I would be happy and satisfied." These "If only" statements trick us into putting our attention on obtaining those things instead of following hard after God. My "If only" statements have included, having a husband, having kids, getting into shape, getting my house in order, you get the idea. Getting these things still leaves me with a huge "hollow gap in (my) soul". Lysa suggests that instead of filling these statements with a person, possession, profession or postion, that we chose to fill the statements with something that would pull our hearts closer to God. "Since we cannot be pulled away from God and draw near to Him at the same time, speaking truth rights our perspectives and puts our focus where it should be."
It doesn't matter what the hollow gap is in my life, God is the perfect, the only thing that can fill that emptiness. When I replace my false gods with scripture truths, I will not feel that gap in my life. God's Word is the filter through which we should look at all of the day's events, our responses to situations, etc. God's Word causes changes in my attitudes, motives, desires, actions, words, and priorities. It rearranges my very existence. "As long as I daily make the choice to be guided by His truth, He replaces my hollowness with a wholeness of love that has no gaps." It is a choice, an intentional choice. It is a choice that must be made daily and often several times a day. Taking time each day to recognize my blessings and to appreciate and feel thankful for the people most important to me, is something I don't do often enough. The years are speeding by and I am too busy with my "If onlys" to enjoy what I have been blessed with- family, kids, husband, opportunities, salvation, life....Lysa describes it much better. "Maybe this is the true secret to being fulfilled and content. Living in the moment with God, defined by His truth, and with no unrealistic expectations for others or things to fill me up. Not reaching back for what was lost in my yesterdays. And not reaching for what I hope will be in my tomorrow. But living fully with what is right in front of me. And truly seeing the gift of this moment." Intentionally living now with all the circumstances and imperfect people I have been blessed with. Striving everyday to see God, hear God, know God and follow hard after Him. Then my hollowness will be replaced with a desire for holiness, too.

Chapter One- Trying to Be Good Enough

In her book, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl,Lysa TerKeurst talks about the labels she tried on growing up to find her identity. I, too, have had many labels that shaped and continue to shape my identity. Daughter, quiet girl, "goody-two shoes", bookworm, honor student, responsible, in demand babysitter, organized, wife, teacher, supermom, volunteer extraordinaire,etc. All of these labels came with expectations for my actions, attitudes, responses that I felt like I had to live up to. Not much room was left for feeling or worse revealing that I had so many shortcomings, weaknesses, failings, imperfections. Yes, I admit that I am absolutely and have absolutely never, ever been the perfect child, wife, mom, Christian or human being. Often feelings of loneliness, not fitting in or being unworthy to participate overcome me. With the perceptions and labels I wear, who really is interested in listening to my weaknesses and failures. No one expects me to be struggling with anything- I have everything altogether. If they only knew how many times I drop my basket in the course of the day!
I love the verse from Jeremiah that Lysa shares. I have this verse written out on index cards for a reminder that someone knows that I am imperfect and how many times my basket is dropped. He cares immensely for me despite every last little flaw and He alone makes me perfect. Jeremiah 29:12-13 "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
I grew up going to church, Christian schools, marrying a good Christian man, serving in ministries, attending all the Bible studies and women's events like a good Bible study girl should do, yet, I still feel unfulfilled. Seeking with all your heart requires more than just the routine Christian good girl checklist. Okay, so there Lysa just Moonwalked on my toes. Lysa goes on to talk about fulfillment. Fulfillment is to be completely satisfied, filled up, not discontented. I, too, want a more fulfilling relationship with Christ. I want to be assured that despite my failures and shortcomings, I have the security of knowing that He is there with me in all circumstances in life.
Lysa asks "How might (my) life look if (I) am so filled with God's truths (I) could let go of the pain of (my) past, not get tripped up by the troubles of today, or consumed by worries of tomorrow?" Going through the motions of the good Bible study girl checklist is not enough. I need to have the mindset that God will meet me where I am when I cry out to Him with heart that if so filled with the desire to go into a much deeper, authentic, life changing relationship with Him.
What has typically made me feel fulfilled? Academic successes, career as a teacher, mommyhood, being a wife, ministry leader, etc. But none of these things were ever the source of true fulfillment. Too quickly, I become disillusioned and feel like a failure as I deal with imperfect people, encountering someone I deem superior or more successful than myself. Oh, how pride takes hold of my heart. I will never be "enough" in my ideals of fulfillment. I will never be enough of a good wife, mother, ministry leader, teacher, daughter, sister, good Bible study girl to find true fulfillment- I will forever fall short! I love and appreciate Lysa's heartfelt and genuine desire to help women become closer to Christ. This is my prayer for myself and others "God, will You help me to have a deeper connection with You and find truer fulfillment as You transform every area of my life.That is the cry and the desire of my heart." and "God, I want to see You. God, I want to hear You. God, I want to know You. So that I can follow hard after You everyday." I love those last four statements she wrote. In her book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God she shared this prayer. I copied this also on my index cards to read and pray. So simple and so much what I desire to do each day. She finishes the chapter with Colossians 3:1-2 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Lysa concludes by saying,"Setting our hearts and our minds on God and letting His truths change us, rearrange us, and redirect us will help us not just to know the message of Christ - but to live it out!" Change me, rearrange me, redirect me to know and live Christ each day. Please, Lord!

All scripture and quotes from the book are in italics. Any of my changes are in parentheses or boldface.

A Two Word Prayer

I heart Lysa TerKeurst! She is so authentic and imperfect that it gives me hope that I, too, can be authentic and imperfect as a mom, wife and daughter of God. She is so incredibly encouraging! She is funny but also not afraid to step on my toes a bit. I had to share this.

Lysa TerKeurst | The Most Important Two Word Prayer from Southbrook Church on Vimeo.

Finding Joy

"I've got the Joy, Joy, Joy, down in my heart! Where?! Down in my heart!" A song from long ago that I sung so many times in Sunday school and at home as a little girl. Yet now as a grown woman, that joy is just not down in my heart. It is the thing I have been trying to rediscover. I have come to the realization that a lot of why I don't have joy is because of sin. That is the simplest explanation. It wasn't done on purpose. It just happened. I was not intentional or disciplined in making God a priority in my choices. I didn't maintain the relationship. All the wonderful ministry I do just doesn't build or strengthen a relationship with God. He doesn't want my emails, my flyers, my plans or my organization. He wants me and my heart. My desire to seek Him and follow hard after Him in obedience. So lost in the years of going it all on my own is the joy I have lost out of my heart.
I was challenged by an amazingly wise lady, Holley Gerth, to look for joy in the next 40 days. I have become more intentional and aware of the things that bring me joy. What I realize is that the joy I cherish and long for comes from the relationships with my family and with my Savior. When those relationships are neglected or considered to be secondary to my own agenda and to do lists, that is when the joy leaves my heart. There is nothing that squashes joy like sin. Sin and putting relationships second, third, fourth or sixteenth on the list are often synoymnous. So as I search for the joy each day, I focus more on maintaining relationships with the people I have been blessed with and with the Savior and Creator of my life. With this daily intentional search I know that the joy will be "down in my heart to stay!"

Chill Out, Chick!

This chick can be pretty intense. I am task oriented and very intense when when working on something. I always thought that the passion, dedication, hard work and pursuit of excellence was a strength. But now I am thinking that it might just be a weakness. For me, accomplishing tasks, seeing the product of my time and efforts, feeling like my work makes a difference to someone- I am contributing to the bigger picture is my identity- my self-worth.
I also just don't go half-way- Oh, no, I have to go all out! Then it has to be done just so, almost to perfection. I will spend hours preparing a flyer or writing a letter to someone- just fretting and fussing over the smallest of details. The end result after an extended amount of time in the activity usually leads to burnout.
Yes, the activities I get so wrapped up in are good, worthy activities- Ministries, even. Now how good of a thing can that be?! But ministries are way too often laden with people problems,too. Getting people to work, see things in the same way, work with the same intensity, be dependable, etc. is really hard and very, very draining. But hey, it is ministry, all for the Kingdom, right? It has to be worth it all.
But that leads me to the question I am struggling with now and have been for some time: At what cost am I doing ministry?
The cost is immeasurable for it involves the most important ministry I have been given, my family. God has blessed me with an amazing husband and two wonderful blessings that call me Mommy. I have been given these children to raise and nurture. For whatever reason,God has deemed me worthy to be their mommy. They need me to be intentional, attentive, enthusiastic, patient, loving, joyful, healthy (spiritually and physically) while parenting them. Instead they get distracted, frustrated, grumpy, grumpy, grumpy, impatient, absent physically and emotionally, tense and intense. They have paid a great price for my good deeds.
Hubby is patient most of the time and supportive most of the time. He, too, has paid for my intensity in ministry affairs. My home has paid a price as has my health and my spiritual well-being.
All of this affects the effectiveness of my ministries. So, what is a chick to do? I am not in a postion to just walk away - I do have some God-given talents and desires to work in these ministries. He has provided me with these opportunities and has blessed them. But it is my choice in how I will spend my time and how I will use my leadership to accomplish ministry. My choices in the past have been selfish and intense. Now my choices are to let go, delegate, and narrow the focus-simply to Chill Out!
By limiting the ministry part of my life, I pray that I can be the kind of mom, wife and Christian I need to be. It is too great of a cost, not to really be intense about my family and my spiritual well-being.
So this chick is thankful for the chance to just chill out with the kiddos!

Good Intentions

I have spent a lot of time lately composing posts in my head. Why is it that I get inspired when I am not near a computer or have the opportunity to sit down and type for a few minutes?

My favorite word is "intentional". I just love that word! Intentional means with a focused purpose. I have advocated being intentional about everything; marriage, parenting, spending time with God, fianances, time for myself, ministry. I have spent a lot of time in self-evaluation lately. Hence, those wonderful posts that will never see a computer screen. As a result of the evaluations to date, I discovered this horrible truth. Despite how much I want to be intentional, I have never been intentional at all! Now I could beat myself up and I have done quite a bit of that lately. But I have decided to make some changes in my life to become more intentional in living.
What I also discovered that I can not do this alone. That has been my problem all along. My "Miss I Can Do It Myself- I Can Figure This Out" self has failed miserably in all aspects of going it alone. I can not make a schedule and keep it without some guidance and discernment provided to me by God. He alone knows my every weakness and He alone can make me strong where I am weak.
I am thankful for a God who can forgive me for my sinful, selfish, pride-filled life. I am thankful that despite my failure to be intentional and do all things in life with a focused purpose that I do not have to give up. I can start again and this time intentionally seeking God's direction in all things. He alone will supply me with all I need to be the kind of wife, mommy, ministry leader, Christian I need to be.