Soul tired- how that term resonated with me this week! That word is the perfect word to describe how I have felt for so long- tired from the inside out. This condition did not occur overnight. No, ma'am! This condition has been coming on for a few years now. I remember sitting in Pastor Mike's office about 2 years ago and him expressing some concern about potential burn-out. I assured him that I had been there and done that and well knew the symptoms, yet I did nothing significant to prevent burn out from overtaking me. I kept right on going and doing all that I could for Kidsville and its little ones and the mommies in MOPS. I was good, I told myself and everyone, I get to worship with the little ones, I have my study prep I did for the Bible studies I was leading along with the ministries' preps. I even led a study about rest as a spiritual discipline. Oh, yes, I was not going to burn out! No, siree!! But when the trials and stresses of Dana's job came - almost like a wreck you saw coming but denied it was going to happen- until.... Well, it became more difficult to stay focused and to keep going. I knew God was going to use this season in life to work on me because I was out of whack- no balance and most of all soul tired. No worship, no significant and intentional time with God, no prayer except the 911 issues that come as a mom, wife and minister. But there is another cause of soul tired. That would be Satan. I am confident that he is so pleased when I or anyone else for that matter focuses on themselves and their circumstances instead of focusing and relying on God. He is going to make sure that I am soul tired and continue to keep my attention on the negatives and other difficult issues. It becomes a cycle- negative thoughts lead to more negative thoughts and feelings which zaps one of joy, peace, thanksgiving, looking upward, hope, kindness and then the guilt and wondering "what is wrong with me?!" sets in and more negative feelings ensue! So I end up soul tired!
I know the cure, the treatment, the remedy for this and that is simply choosing to surrender it all to God and make a choice of staying as close to Him as possible.
Psalms 63:1 O, God, you are my God. Earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for You in a dry and weary land where there is no water. If I would intentionally spend time with God in the Word and in prayer much of my soul tired condition would be healed. By getting closer to Him, I also know that my focus would change. My thoughts would be dwelling on the positives in life and not the negatives. I would be more positive in my thoughts, words, more energy and enthusiasm. I know full well that God is with me and in control. He is directing my paths, His plans for me are already laid out. I simply must trust- must surrender my fears, my control, my insecurities, my will for Him and His will for myself and for my family. This is not a terminal illness unless I allow this soul tired condition to be the only thing I live for. This is just a viral type condition. With the proper rest (abiding and resting in God alone), and with a prescription of prayer, reading, memorization and obedience I can make a full recovery quickly. I alreay am feeling a bit better.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Focus
Moving to Ohio has been a challenge for our family. For me personally, I have left the comfortable and known life of the South and of life in Milledgeville behind. While it was not a perfect place and I would have and still would love to be closer to my family, it was a known entity and comfortable. I am far from being comfortable and at home here but it has only been about a month and it has been so cold of late that I could almost be a hermit in order to stay warm.
While we have said all along that God has plans for us here, it is hard to be patient for them to be revealed. Yet, I look back and am reminded that even in the transition time I have felt I know a bit of God's plan, at least for me. For some time, I have felt the need to delegate or relinquish some of my responsiblities of the ministries I led to better focus on my own family. I did do some of this but not near what I probably needed to do. Also, I need to trust God in all things. Easy to say but so hard to do. God has His own plans for Dana and the children, but for me my valley has been letting go of a lot of independence, self-sufficiency and identity and control issues. God has been with me all the way and provided for my every need. The time that we were separated as a family and I was coming to terms with my own sin issues was actually bittersweet. The time I spent in prayer, journaling and reading was wonderful. I felt God beside me yet I was grieving and still struggling. These issues are still present. It is kind of like an addiction. The tendency is there, but I am more conscious of the triggers and the symptoms or characteristics so I am just more are and sensitive to it all.
I love that my family is together and I really believe Ohio will be okay to live in, once I get used to the cold and snow. Snow is not all that it is made out to be.....
Of late I have felt pretty down about things for me personally. I miss my home and so want it to sell. Please Lord, provide a buyer quickly. I am nervous about eventually buying here after we sell in Georgia because I am nervous about Dana's job security and the sale of a home in Ohio. Not at a peace or maybe it is that lack of trust. I am lost most days. I know of house work that needs or should be done, yet I have no desire or motivation to do it. Forrest needs someone to play with him and to teach him a bit. So sadly, I lack the energy or desire to even do this. Finally, I have time to scrapbook! But the desire and energy are not there. I am involved in a Bible Study. This is the one highlight of my week. I haven't really made any friends or connected yet. However, I do feel some peace and serenity here. The other activities including the church we are attending, I don't feel peace about at all. I still feel lost and homeless. One of the things I know is that my personal time with God needs and should be renewed quickly. I need uninterrupted time with God to keep my eyes and heart on Him. I will never hear His call for my life here in Ohio unless I get close enough and tuned in well enough to hear. I need to be in a praise and gratitude mind set. Instead of naming my disappointments and focusing on the things I don't have, I need to be counting my blessings. Remembering that one of the reasons I believe I am here in Ohio is to focus on my two kids and my husband. I need to reconnect with them. For so many years, I have talked a good game about being a good wife and mommy, yet my family probably wouldn't agree that I was one. I have become grumpy, impatient, unhappy and business like with my little ones. Seeing me smile is a rarity that they notice and comment on. Why is that? I don't enjoy being mommy and haven't in a long while. They are loved deeply but I have viewed them as interruuptions and bothersome details in my life of ministry. I need to focus on being there physically, emotionally and mentally for my family. I need to take care of getting healthy spiritually before all the other parts fall into place properly. Mary Louise in particular needs a good mommy role model. She also needs a safe haven to come home to after a long and challenging school day. Snippy and distracted, grumpy and impatient mommy in cluttered house is not it!
While I know for certain that God has called me to Children's Ministry and I love it! I don't miss the details and the volunteer shortage issues that happen each week. I miss the kids and I really miss the team members I got to serve with. I miss so much of CM, but I don't miss it at all. That doesn't make a lot of sense, I know. I have long needed a break even if it was in delegating some of the many tasks. So much of the weekly prep work happened solely because of me. I don't say that to praise me, just the opposite. That was one of my sin struggles. First,God was left out of the ministry. I totally relied on my physical and mental abilities to handle it all. Secondly,I wouldn't train up the team members and bless them with the opportunities to do a lot of things they could have done to help. I did a lot of physical work, but God did all of the spiritual stuff for the kids, families and staff totally without me. I was selfish in the service and it came at a great cost to me spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. My family also paid a great cost. Lesson learned is balance is critical. Balance in family and ministry and balance in public and private time with God. What does God want of me in Children's Ministry now? I don't know. I do know He has something prepared for me. He has not given me the experiences and opportunities at NCC to not go on somehow in CM at some point. I am watching, waiting and praying for the right time and right work for Him.
In the past weeks, I have felt lost and alone. While God did provide some contacts here for me, I don't have and honestly, didn't have in Milledgeville, the girlfriends factor. I had some ladies that I could call and chat with while the kids played at Chic-Fil-A. There were some ladies that would call me for advice or some sort of help. I had lots of people that I saw and talked with weekly at church. But someone to bear my soul to? Nope, there wasn't anyone I could talk with about Dana's job and stresses with it, the struggles I faced in CM and home and child-rearing or even the lack of shopping options or a good recipe. I was in a crowd but often very lonely. So why is it so hard now to feel lonely? Maybe because no one is calling me anymore about anything and I don't have those familiar faces to check in on each week. I find that my bloggy friends are the largest comfort yet again to me. I just wish for one good friend to do life with here.
Again, I need to focus on God and His call for my life right now... That is to focus on making my home a safe haven for my stressed husband and for my daughter; to focus on giving my son some fun and intentional learning experiences; to focus on managing home and household in a godly and right way; to wait patiently on God and the revealing of any other purpose for my life, particularly in regard to Children's Ministry; to simply trust God in ALL things; to get myself back in shape physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually which means time intentionally spent with Him in reading, journaling, memorization and prayer. It can not depend on how well connected I feel to a certain church, girlfriend or dwelling place. It must depend totally on my focus on God as the provider of all things and healer, comforter and sufficiency in my life. God is great - God is good- I need to live like I really believe it. Focus! Focus!
While we have said all along that God has plans for us here, it is hard to be patient for them to be revealed. Yet, I look back and am reminded that even in the transition time I have felt I know a bit of God's plan, at least for me. For some time, I have felt the need to delegate or relinquish some of my responsiblities of the ministries I led to better focus on my own family. I did do some of this but not near what I probably needed to do. Also, I need to trust God in all things. Easy to say but so hard to do. God has His own plans for Dana and the children, but for me my valley has been letting go of a lot of independence, self-sufficiency and identity and control issues. God has been with me all the way and provided for my every need. The time that we were separated as a family and I was coming to terms with my own sin issues was actually bittersweet. The time I spent in prayer, journaling and reading was wonderful. I felt God beside me yet I was grieving and still struggling. These issues are still present. It is kind of like an addiction. The tendency is there, but I am more conscious of the triggers and the symptoms or characteristics so I am just more are and sensitive to it all.
I love that my family is together and I really believe Ohio will be okay to live in, once I get used to the cold and snow. Snow is not all that it is made out to be.....
Of late I have felt pretty down about things for me personally. I miss my home and so want it to sell. Please Lord, provide a buyer quickly. I am nervous about eventually buying here after we sell in Georgia because I am nervous about Dana's job security and the sale of a home in Ohio. Not at a peace or maybe it is that lack of trust. I am lost most days. I know of house work that needs or should be done, yet I have no desire or motivation to do it. Forrest needs someone to play with him and to teach him a bit. So sadly, I lack the energy or desire to even do this. Finally, I have time to scrapbook! But the desire and energy are not there. I am involved in a Bible Study. This is the one highlight of my week. I haven't really made any friends or connected yet. However, I do feel some peace and serenity here. The other activities including the church we are attending, I don't feel peace about at all. I still feel lost and homeless. One of the things I know is that my personal time with God needs and should be renewed quickly. I need uninterrupted time with God to keep my eyes and heart on Him. I will never hear His call for my life here in Ohio unless I get close enough and tuned in well enough to hear. I need to be in a praise and gratitude mind set. Instead of naming my disappointments and focusing on the things I don't have, I need to be counting my blessings. Remembering that one of the reasons I believe I am here in Ohio is to focus on my two kids and my husband. I need to reconnect with them. For so many years, I have talked a good game about being a good wife and mommy, yet my family probably wouldn't agree that I was one. I have become grumpy, impatient, unhappy and business like with my little ones. Seeing me smile is a rarity that they notice and comment on. Why is that? I don't enjoy being mommy and haven't in a long while. They are loved deeply but I have viewed them as interruuptions and bothersome details in my life of ministry. I need to focus on being there physically, emotionally and mentally for my family. I need to take care of getting healthy spiritually before all the other parts fall into place properly. Mary Louise in particular needs a good mommy role model. She also needs a safe haven to come home to after a long and challenging school day. Snippy and distracted, grumpy and impatient mommy in cluttered house is not it!
While I know for certain that God has called me to Children's Ministry and I love it! I don't miss the details and the volunteer shortage issues that happen each week. I miss the kids and I really miss the team members I got to serve with. I miss so much of CM, but I don't miss it at all. That doesn't make a lot of sense, I know. I have long needed a break even if it was in delegating some of the many tasks. So much of the weekly prep work happened solely because of me. I don't say that to praise me, just the opposite. That was one of my sin struggles. First,God was left out of the ministry. I totally relied on my physical and mental abilities to handle it all. Secondly,I wouldn't train up the team members and bless them with the opportunities to do a lot of things they could have done to help. I did a lot of physical work, but God did all of the spiritual stuff for the kids, families and staff totally without me. I was selfish in the service and it came at a great cost to me spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. My family also paid a great cost. Lesson learned is balance is critical. Balance in family and ministry and balance in public and private time with God. What does God want of me in Children's Ministry now? I don't know. I do know He has something prepared for me. He has not given me the experiences and opportunities at NCC to not go on somehow in CM at some point. I am watching, waiting and praying for the right time and right work for Him.
In the past weeks, I have felt lost and alone. While God did provide some contacts here for me, I don't have and honestly, didn't have in Milledgeville, the girlfriends factor. I had some ladies that I could call and chat with while the kids played at Chic-Fil-A. There were some ladies that would call me for advice or some sort of help. I had lots of people that I saw and talked with weekly at church. But someone to bear my soul to? Nope, there wasn't anyone I could talk with about Dana's job and stresses with it, the struggles I faced in CM and home and child-rearing or even the lack of shopping options or a good recipe. I was in a crowd but often very lonely. So why is it so hard now to feel lonely? Maybe because no one is calling me anymore about anything and I don't have those familiar faces to check in on each week. I find that my bloggy friends are the largest comfort yet again to me. I just wish for one good friend to do life with here.
Again, I need to focus on God and His call for my life right now... That is to focus on making my home a safe haven for my stressed husband and for my daughter; to focus on giving my son some fun and intentional learning experiences; to focus on managing home and household in a godly and right way; to wait patiently on God and the revealing of any other purpose for my life, particularly in regard to Children's Ministry; to simply trust God in ALL things; to get myself back in shape physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually which means time intentionally spent with Him in reading, journaling, memorization and prayer. It can not depend on how well connected I feel to a certain church, girlfriend or dwelling place. It must depend totally on my focus on God as the provider of all things and healer, comforter and sufficiency in my life. God is great - God is good- I need to live like I really believe it. Focus! Focus!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tough Week
This has been a tough week for me personally. I have felt so lost and out of place and out of sorts. In the past month, I have given up my house that I love and the nice appliances that make life more convenient. The things I did like Children's Ministry I have given up and but more importantly, I have been stripped of anything that resembles a purpose. I have had a really hard time getting into a routine and finding joy in housekeeping and just being home all day. Groceries are expensive. I am concerned about the cost of living here - the gas heat is on a lot and gasoline and food is expensive. We no longer buy OJ because it is about $4/gallon. Ouch! I feel a bit cut off from people. Like I have been dropped here and am all alone I am cold and the snow has finally started getting old to me. I don't find the snow fun. It is pretty but after a while all of the white and the gray gets old. Maybe it is seasonal emotional disorder or depression or cabin fever. Plus I have had a sore throat and not felt super. Simply put, I haven't been very happy this week. A pity party of sorts perhaps. But honestly, I have really struggled. I am trying so hard to be positive and patient. But at the same time, my feelings are just the opposite.
Then I am confronted in my Crazy Love Bible study about the greatness - a word that is not sufficient- of my God. I am reminded that this life is not about me. My life is not about me. It is all about God. God is using the present circumstances for His glory. He is going to use this sad and frustrating time to show me and others how He continues to provide and will use me for His glory.
I am also reminded that the mundane things like laundry, dusting, scooping litter and playing Legos is important and God is using me for His purposes in those things. I need to remember to praise Him and honor Him in all of those things.
There is so much more I want to describe, but for now I will leave it with the video from Chris Tomlin.
Then I am confronted in my Crazy Love Bible study about the greatness - a word that is not sufficient- of my God. I am reminded that this life is not about me. My life is not about me. It is all about God. God is using the present circumstances for His glory. He is going to use this sad and frustrating time to show me and others how He continues to provide and will use me for His glory.
I am also reminded that the mundane things like laundry, dusting, scooping litter and playing Legos is important and God is using me for His purposes in those things. I need to remember to praise Him and honor Him in all of those things.
There is so much more I want to describe, but for now I will leave it with the video from Chris Tomlin.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Gratituesday
It has been a good day but a hard day. I know that I don't really have to pack boxes, but doing so gives me a little control over things right now. It is something tangible and real. It also gives me a chance to realize that we are really leaving our little house on the pond, our church and the safety of things known and comfortable. But God is not calling us to be comfortable right now. A verse that I was given not to long ago is:
20 You will be like the person who tried to sleep
on a bed that was too short
and with a blanket that was too narrow
to wrap around himself. (Isaiah 28:20, New Century Version)
This is what I feel like right now. Someone trying to sleep on a bed that is just too short for them. I sometimes have to lie down with little man on his small youth bed. If I do fall asleep, I usually wake up with a crick in my neck or stiff in the legs from being scrunched on the too small bed. It is just not comfortable and a good rest is hard to get in that bed situation.
Now the covers are a big deal to me. If I am cold, I need to be covered with lots of warm blankets, but if it is too much I get overheated and wake up sweating. Not enough covers, even in the summer, is not a good thing either. I need just the right amount of covers. I used to travel with a blanket so if I got cold I could cover up. The problem was that the blanket was really too small to do much good. A sweater would have been just as good. When I am tired and cold, I want comfort for sweet, restful, peaceful time of being.
Right now, my life feels like a too short bed. As much as I try to rest and turn this way and that, I find that I am scrunched for time, patience, peace, good feelings - generally a peace and happiness. My days are sometimes filled with my pains in the neck and sick feelings in my stomach than anything else. As much as I would like to curl up under the shelter of a nice and cuddly blanket that fully covers me and my family, I seem to feel lots of drafts - emptiness, gaps. Primarily caused by worry, anxiety, stress, - realization of sin and lack of dependance on God.
Yep, I am in a time right now where my bed is too short and the blanket just doesn't seem to be enough. I do know this though, God is near. He has never left me. I may have - did - move away from Him, but He has always been near me. God has us on this short bed for a reason. I don't fully understand why, but He has us there for now and with a small blanket. He has the blanket that fully covers us though. He has grace, mercy and salvation. For now, I need to continue to find things to praise Him for, to thank Him for. It is with the perspective that things could be worse, at least we don't..... that help me through the days. Naming my manna - my blessings and surrounding myself and filling my thoughts with things that pure, lovely, true, praiseworthy and excellent help.
This has been a hard day but a good day. Boxes packed- I have way too many clothes! We have way too much stuff in general. I am overwhelmed by it all - focus on true, lovely, praiseworthy.... I have lots to do - lots I really don't want to face but glad that at the same time.
1. A job that provides income
2. A little rental house
3. A realtor- I count as a new friend
4. New friends to meet
5. New opportunities
6. The little house on the pond
7. Heat
8. Boxes to pack in
9. Nice clothes to pack
10. Memories
11. New adventures
12. Snow
13 Mid- 40s
14. Hubby that misses us
15. Kitties 3
16. Tears
17. Old friends
18. Opportunities past
19. Comfortable life situations
20. Repentance
21. Dependance on God
22. God's faithfulness
23. God's grace
24. Mercy
25. Salvation paid at a great price
26. Holiday lights
27. Holiday music
28. Kids' anticipation of Christmas
29. God is my portion
30. A new day- a do over
31. Comfortable bed
32. Warm blankets
33. A few hours of sleep
34. Hope
35. Peace
36. Joy
37. A Christmas Elf
38. Warm coffee
39. Cold Dr. Pepper
40. Children 2
Friday, December 3, 2010
God Is In Control
I am reminded that while my storms of life seem huge and scary, there are so many others that would trade places with me. I am thankful for good health for all of us, for a job, for family and friends that are concerned, for opportunities past and present and to come- for a God who is in control the whole time and never leaves my side- I just need to stay aware that He is there. My storms are still my storms and scary to me I just need to trust God and allow Him to sustain me through it all. There are many that sing this song, but I like Matt Redman so turn down the playlist at the bottom of this page and remember that God will carry me and you through our individual scary storms of life. We don't need to be afraid.
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught
In the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught
In the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
I can see a light
That is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end
To these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
You never let go of me
God Has It All Planned Out
Is there a reason I don't fully understand for why my house has not sold? Yes, the economy in general and in particular this area of Georgia have been very hard hit by the economy. Yes, God may be teaching me to let go and trust Him. I don't know. I do know this... God answered prayers about providing a job for Dana when things at the Georgia company looked pretty bleak and no future for him there. God provided people for me to connect with in the Ohio community we are moving to. God provides. Maybe we misread God's intention for us to go to Ohio. We, especially Dana, prayed about it and felt like it was the right thing. I did have some uneasy feelings but who looks forward to selling a house in a bad economy- My simple brain and outlook on world events even recognized the reality of bad timing for house sales. I didn't and don't look forward to moving a long distance with two kids and three cats at Christmas time. So I had a less than peaceful feel for the whole thing. Maybe that was God poking me...I don't know. What I do know is that over the last couple of months, I have had to stand on my own as a mom and not so great at a single parent thing--- appreciate Dana even more. I know that I have spent a lot of time coming to grips with my major weaknesses and failures and trying to reconnect to God and what He wants for me. I do know that I have given up or will completely give up a ton of responsibility at church and the kids' schools and will have the time I need to really refocus on my relationship with God. It has so suffered over the years- Looking good and sounding good to the casual observer but to my God and I know the truth. I will have time to refocus on my hubby and give him the time and attention he deserves and my children. Well, they are my first priority in children's ministry. They need a mom who is not stressed out, busy, distracted and otherwise consumed with ministry and other duties. They need mom - who cooks, keeps a much tidier house, scrapbooks their memories, reads to them again and just laughs again. This move has provided these opportunities. To bring me back to where I should have been all along- closer to my God, my hubby and my kids- following God's calling and will for me as a daughter of His.
What I don't know is how my learning to trust God fully is going to play out. Since Dana has been working in Ohio, he has been so overwhelmed and frustrated. A lot of that comes from just starting a new job with a new company and it didn't help he was up there alone. Now he has started to get a handle on some things but he has repeatedly said he felt frustrated and a bit paranoid. He hasn't felt like he has been pleasing or living up to what his boss wants. He gets little feedback even on the accomplishments- Some of it is this guy's management style and personality but still Dana has felt less than successful and that he may not "make it". During a business trip with this fellow, Dana is even more certain - less paranoid - more sure that he is not making his boss happy. It is actually mutual- a bit of a disappointment for Dana. While he doesn't think he is fired in the immediate future, there may not be a long term future for us in Ohio. So the question comes back to is this the reason our house is not selling? So we have place to return when things end? Is this one more test to see how much I will trust God with all of this? I will admit, I have thought if he is fired - do it now before we all go- but then I think about the rent we have committed to and I know how much we have in savings. -- We need to keep this job for at least 6 months. I really do not have an issue with moving up there. I am actually looking forward to it- just not the drive and moving out/in part. I think I need this time of no committments except to God and family. Perhaps even Dana needs to focus on God, family and of course, work. I don't know what the future holds for us. I do know that God wants me to trust Him totally - completely- fully and to do so with joy- peace. I am not there yet, but I will say that I surprised myself that when Dana told me this today that for a brief and very brief second, I did feel that sinking feeling. However, I really feel okay- a bit reenergized about moving- I will not let Satan use this to defeat me or to defeat my family. Dana needs some encouragement- He needs to feel some accomplishment or hope that this job is going to be okay for longer than a few months. Satan will not use this to sideswipe us and leave us doubting or in despair. My God is bigger than all of this - God is our God forever and ever to the end. He wants to be our Guide, to lead us each step of the way into His perfect Will for us. I will not be defeated and will stand in the Light- trusting God all the way.
I love Jeremeiah 29:10-14. I will use the Message version here. It starts with God's words, "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and NOT A DAY BEFORE, I'll show up and take care of you as I PROMISED and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to TAKE CARE OF YOU, NOT ABANDON YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU THE FUTURE YOU HOPE FOR. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen, When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, WHEN YOU GET SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING ME AND WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you, I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you - bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it."
Now don't get the idea that I feel like we have been sent into exile or that God is going to bring us back to this one spot. But God has a plan - it is His perfect plan for us- He will carry it out in HIS timing- not my timing- not my plan. His plan will not hurt us - it may not be comfortable or pleasant or easy in the process but His plan is not going to lead us to destruction or danger- He is with us all the way-My plans or desires need to be aligned with God's for me and my family. The only way that will happen is when I am sitting at His feet, talking to Him and leaning on Him no matter what. He will lead us to where we need to be and to do what He wants for us. Right now we are in a place of unreast, unsure of what tomorrow holds- but we can count on God to not leave us there but to bring us back to a place where we are confident that God is in control and that we are doing what He wants-
What I don't know is how my learning to trust God fully is going to play out. Since Dana has been working in Ohio, he has been so overwhelmed and frustrated. A lot of that comes from just starting a new job with a new company and it didn't help he was up there alone. Now he has started to get a handle on some things but he has repeatedly said he felt frustrated and a bit paranoid. He hasn't felt like he has been pleasing or living up to what his boss wants. He gets little feedback even on the accomplishments- Some of it is this guy's management style and personality but still Dana has felt less than successful and that he may not "make it". During a business trip with this fellow, Dana is even more certain - less paranoid - more sure that he is not making his boss happy. It is actually mutual- a bit of a disappointment for Dana. While he doesn't think he is fired in the immediate future, there may not be a long term future for us in Ohio. So the question comes back to is this the reason our house is not selling? So we have place to return when things end? Is this one more test to see how much I will trust God with all of this? I will admit, I have thought if he is fired - do it now before we all go- but then I think about the rent we have committed to and I know how much we have in savings. -- We need to keep this job for at least 6 months. I really do not have an issue with moving up there. I am actually looking forward to it- just not the drive and moving out/in part. I think I need this time of no committments except to God and family. Perhaps even Dana needs to focus on God, family and of course, work. I don't know what the future holds for us. I do know that God wants me to trust Him totally - completely- fully and to do so with joy- peace. I am not there yet, but I will say that I surprised myself that when Dana told me this today that for a brief and very brief second, I did feel that sinking feeling. However, I really feel okay- a bit reenergized about moving- I will not let Satan use this to defeat me or to defeat my family. Dana needs some encouragement- He needs to feel some accomplishment or hope that this job is going to be okay for longer than a few months. Satan will not use this to sideswipe us and leave us doubting or in despair. My God is bigger than all of this - God is our God forever and ever to the end. He wants to be our Guide, to lead us each step of the way into His perfect Will for us. I will not be defeated and will stand in the Light- trusting God all the way.
I love Jeremeiah 29:10-14. I will use the Message version here. It starts with God's words, "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and NOT A DAY BEFORE, I'll show up and take care of you as I PROMISED and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to TAKE CARE OF YOU, NOT ABANDON YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU THE FUTURE YOU HOPE FOR. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen, When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, WHEN YOU GET SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING ME AND WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you, I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you - bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it."
Now don't get the idea that I feel like we have been sent into exile or that God is going to bring us back to this one spot. But God has a plan - it is His perfect plan for us- He will carry it out in HIS timing- not my timing- not my plan. His plan will not hurt us - it may not be comfortable or pleasant or easy in the process but His plan is not going to lead us to destruction or danger- He is with us all the way-My plans or desires need to be aligned with God's for me and my family. The only way that will happen is when I am sitting at His feet, talking to Him and leaning on Him no matter what. He will lead us to where we need to be and to do what He wants for us. Right now we are in a place of unreast, unsure of what tomorrow holds- but we can count on God to not leave us there but to bring us back to a place where we are confident that God is in control and that we are doing what He wants-
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Home Is Where the Heart Is
As the time comes to a rapid end of our life here in Milledgeville, my heart rate quickens and my blood pressure must rise to a great high. I feel the pressure and weight of all the many tasks still at hand. All of the things I knew should be done, but I had time didn't I? There is no rush... Well, now there is a rush... I still just don't want to really do it all though.
It isn't that I don't want to go to Ohio. I look forward to the adventure there. Yes, it will be cold. We are blessed with clothes to wear. It isn't that I don't think my kids will be happy. They will experience the separation from things and people familiar but my kids are confident kids, always friendly and talkative. They will be great! This will even be a good thing. It is so easy to become complacent and take for granted what you have. This move will be a good lesson for all of us. Leaving a ministry that I have nurtured and lived with for about eight years will be hard, but not really that hard. The children's ministry belongs to God. I was entrusted with its leadership- a huge blessing and opportunity I am forever grateful for. But I leave this ministry in good hands. I will greatly miss the people I have served with for so long. They have been huge blessings to me and to my own kids. But they will continue to serve and bless more kids and they don't need me to do that. I, too, will eventually find where God wants me to serve kids and their families. I have no doubt that is my calling but I don't know what it will look like in Ohio.
I am not afraid or concerned about living in a smaller house- we have a basement for storage and some play area. Less to clean! I am not worried about finding my own contacts - already provided and my bloggy friends are still a screen away. I am not concerned about schooling or even a church home. Schools are great, little man will be okay with me for a few months, and a church will be found. So what is making my heart race? It is my home here- The house that I love, not because of its up-to-date in the late 80s counter tops, light and water fixtures, not because of its huge open floor plan. A bit under 2000 sq ft and not so open by today's plans but a good entertaining home. I love this house because this is house God provided when we moved here almost 10 years ago. I love this house because of the beautiful pond and wildlife in my backyard. I have an amazing yard! I love it because it is in a great neighborhood with Halloween traditions, Christmas luminaries, and occassional summer activities as a neighborhood. All with friendly people who will stop their walk to chat for a minute about the kids. We may not each others names but we are aware of each other's presence and what is happening on the surface as we drive or walk by each house. I love my house because this is where my little ones were brought home and learned to walk, talk, and ride a trike! This is where we have celebrated birthdays, Christmas, and summer days. This has been the place my heart and the hearts of my family have loved with each heartbeat. This has been home! Now I face the reality that I am leaving home in a few weeks and my home will be left without a heart. I have prayed for a buyer for this little house. Someone to just love it and to love in it. Someone to be its heart. For whatever reason, God has not provided that person yet. So my heart beats a little more rapidly when I think about closing the door and locking it for the last time as I move all that I love 550 miles away. I am sure that God will provide a buyer, the ability to have mortgage and rent payments made, my family will transition fine and that He knows my heart. He has much in store for us. I simply must love Him, my family and trust. My heart and the hearts of my family will love each other and love God with each heartbeat. We will be together again under one roof, just not in the "house on the pond" but in the "little rental house in the snow".
I am thankful for:
1. the house on the pond
2. the little rental house in the snow
3. God's provision of a house
4. warm clothes
5. adventures
6. new experiences
7. bloggy friends
8. new friends
9. confident kids
10. provision of a job
11. provision for all our needs
12. God's grace
13. God's compassion
14. God's concern
15. opportunity to serve
16. those that served us
17. new service opportunities
18. new church family
19. friendly neighbors
20. memories
21. new memories to come
22. all things 80s
23. room to entertain and to love
24. the pond
25. wood ducks, turtles, herons, geese, fish, deer galore
26. laughter
27. trike and scooter rides on leaf roads
28. hide and seek among the pines and azaleas
29. quiet and not so quiet afternoons in the sun
30. Christmaas mornings
31. pancakes on Saturdays
32. bringing home babies
33. the family to come soon
34. the hearts that beat
35. the one my heart beats the fastest for the last 19 years
36. the one who created each heart beat
37. home where ever the hearts beat
It isn't that I don't want to go to Ohio. I look forward to the adventure there. Yes, it will be cold. We are blessed with clothes to wear. It isn't that I don't think my kids will be happy. They will experience the separation from things and people familiar but my kids are confident kids, always friendly and talkative. They will be great! This will even be a good thing. It is so easy to become complacent and take for granted what you have. This move will be a good lesson for all of us. Leaving a ministry that I have nurtured and lived with for about eight years will be hard, but not really that hard. The children's ministry belongs to God. I was entrusted with its leadership- a huge blessing and opportunity I am forever grateful for. But I leave this ministry in good hands. I will greatly miss the people I have served with for so long. They have been huge blessings to me and to my own kids. But they will continue to serve and bless more kids and they don't need me to do that. I, too, will eventually find where God wants me to serve kids and their families. I have no doubt that is my calling but I don't know what it will look like in Ohio.
I am not afraid or concerned about living in a smaller house- we have a basement for storage and some play area. Less to clean! I am not worried about finding my own contacts - already provided and my bloggy friends are still a screen away. I am not concerned about schooling or even a church home. Schools are great, little man will be okay with me for a few months, and a church will be found. So what is making my heart race? It is my home here- The house that I love, not because of its up-to-date in the late 80s counter tops, light and water fixtures, not because of its huge open floor plan. A bit under 2000 sq ft and not so open by today's plans but a good entertaining home. I love this house because this is house God provided when we moved here almost 10 years ago. I love this house because of the beautiful pond and wildlife in my backyard. I have an amazing yard! I love it because it is in a great neighborhood with Halloween traditions, Christmas luminaries, and occassional summer activities as a neighborhood. All with friendly people who will stop their walk to chat for a minute about the kids. We may not each others names but we are aware of each other's presence and what is happening on the surface as we drive or walk by each house. I love my house because this is where my little ones were brought home and learned to walk, talk, and ride a trike! This is where we have celebrated birthdays, Christmas, and summer days. This has been the place my heart and the hearts of my family have loved with each heartbeat. This has been home! Now I face the reality that I am leaving home in a few weeks and my home will be left without a heart. I have prayed for a buyer for this little house. Someone to just love it and to love in it. Someone to be its heart. For whatever reason, God has not provided that person yet. So my heart beats a little more rapidly when I think about closing the door and locking it for the last time as I move all that I love 550 miles away. I am sure that God will provide a buyer, the ability to have mortgage and rent payments made, my family will transition fine and that He knows my heart. He has much in store for us. I simply must love Him, my family and trust. My heart and the hearts of my family will love each other and love God with each heartbeat. We will be together again under one roof, just not in the "house on the pond" but in the "little rental house in the snow".
I am thankful for:
1. the house on the pond
2. the little rental house in the snow
3. God's provision of a house
4. warm clothes
5. adventures
6. new experiences
7. bloggy friends
8. new friends
9. confident kids
10. provision of a job
11. provision for all our needs
12. God's grace
13. God's compassion
14. God's concern
15. opportunity to serve
16. those that served us
17. new service opportunities
18. new church family
19. friendly neighbors
20. memories
21. new memories to come
22. all things 80s
23. room to entertain and to love
24. the pond
25. wood ducks, turtles, herons, geese, fish, deer galore
26. laughter
27. trike and scooter rides on leaf roads
28. hide and seek among the pines and azaleas
29. quiet and not so quiet afternoons in the sun
30. Christmaas mornings
31. pancakes on Saturdays
32. bringing home babies
33. the family to come soon
34. the hearts that beat
35. the one my heart beats the fastest for the last 19 years
36. the one who created each heart beat
37. home where ever the hearts beat
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