Thursday, August 6, 2009

Going Alone

This week has been a little hard for me. One I sent my oldest to big school as a kindergartener. Now this child was born for school and is so smart (not that I am bias or anything). I know she is ready and needs to go but still seeing her little girl self walk into that big ole building with the other BIG kids was a little scary for me. (We won't even think about when she goes to college- sobs!) Despite how frustrating her endless questions, torments of little brother and general little girl silliness are, I miss my baby girl! There I have said it- so with tears in my eyes, I will so admit I am sad about sending her to kindergarten.
The other thing that has been hard is realizing that this week 14 years ago on August 4 was the day my Daddy died unexpectedly in Canada of a heart attack. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago! I am a Daddy's Girl and I adore my Daddy. It is very difficult and painful not to have him here with us now. I just miss him so much!
Despite all the changes life gives me and I know more are to come, I am confident that God wil give me the strength to get through it and settle into it all. But here is the problem, I am notorious for going it alone. Knowing that God is there and will see me through it but then actually relying entirely on Him and not solelyon myself are two separate things. I think of my sweet little girl this week when she insisted on walking into school alone for the first time. "No, Mommy, I want to walk in like a big kid." She was full of confidence that she could do it, but as the Mommy, I wasn't ready to let go of her hand. God is always there ready to grip my hand or even pick me up and carry me, but I am the little girl always saying, "No, I have to figure this out myself and get myself through this." Do I always have to be the big girl? Why do I let go of God's hand and go off on my own? Unlike my kindergartener, I don't often get to the destination safely. Lots of frustrations, failures, or more problems are a result of my going it alone. Simply, I get myself into more trouble.
So with this week and all of the reminders that life is moving on with new beginnings and bittersweet reminders that life changes in ways we don't always like or want, I know that God will hold my hand all the way through this life. It is also very comforting to know that He has my baby in His hands as well. So as a mommy I need to let go and let Him be her Daddy, too.

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